Another Interview: Extra Funk Sauce, Please!

Debuting Friday, September 18th 2020
The Show
Runtime: 11.5 minutes
It’s an animated “late night” talk show!

WARNING: 1-800-FUNK-SAUCE is not a working number!

Do not call it, expecting any kind of an answer! I do not know what would happen if somebody actually picked up that phone, but I suspect you’d be worse off than if they hadn’t.

With new episodes appearing on every Friday night, starting 9/18, The Show will feature interviews with guests from all walks of life, musical performances from bands from all over the country/world, and various other adult comedy elements. 
The pilot episode will feature an interview with Malcolm J. Brenner and his former lover, Dolly the dolphin, to discuss their love affair. Musical guest Billy Summer will perform afterwards.

Find your comfortable spot, relax, get into the zone, and tune into The Show, on Fridays starting on 9/18, on— Press Release, Joe Seul

Let me explain. Joe Seul is a good guy I met through a bad public-relations contact. At the time, about mid-2017, he was a New College student majoring in music who proved very friendly and helpful in getting the audio book of Mel-Khyor: An Interstellar Affair ready for publication by equalizing the sound and adding a little reverb to my flat, nasal voice, so I sound less like Boris Karloff and more like Morgan Freeman. And it worked out really well, so I was grateful to him, because he didn’t ask for any payment.

“What a swell guy!” I thought. Little did I know what EVIL lurks in the hearts of men!

Well, a couple of years went by when I didn’t hear a lot from Joe. He finished up his work at New College, moved out of the roach-infested hovel that passed for off-campus student housing there and upward and onward to better things in St. Petersburg (the Florida one, not the one in Russia, you know). And then came The Great Covid-19 Lockdown of 2020, and, like a lot of musicians, poor Joe didn’t know what to do with himself.

Not having anybody to jam with drove young Joe nearly insane (am I hitting too hard on this, Joe?) and he began experimenting with new programs, new apps. One of them, he told me, was a rudimentary computer graphics app that allowed him to make 3D animation that looked like an Amiga game in 1990, only not quite that good.

And then, like the skilled lurker, he is, he sprang the question: “I’m using it to do a short interview podcast, a different topic each week and some music, and I’d like you to be the first guest. What do you say?”

What could I say? Joe had me eating out of the palm of his paw, er, hand. I agreed, and since I haven’t had much success lately giving a recording of an interview that’s worth listening to, I was glad hear it would be recorded on regular old cell phone (I’m sure I’ll be able to get that Blue Yeti from my daughter to work right the next time).

It was late on a July afternoon, I think, when the westering sun shines into the house and the central AC struggles to keep it at 83ºF/28ºC against the greater heat outside, but I turned the fan off so the background noise wouldn’t interfere with Joe’s recording. A little hasty, I called him up, but there was some glitch and he called me back a little after 5 p.m.

There were a lot of things I want to talk about. The two other books I’ve written. My telepathic experiences with Dolly, which ended up on the floor of the Dolphin Lover cutting room (except these days they’d be taking up space in your Trash). My thoughts about the venerable age of the bottlenose dolphin species, 12 million years as compared to our +/- 250,000 years. What that means to the evolution of their sonic communications. How their predictive theory of mind abilities, which let them second-guess other dolphins and ourselves, evolved. And so on.

But Joe just launched right in. After a brief introduction, he said “Tell me what happened with you and Dolly at Floridaland.”


Ya know, Joe, it’s like this: You have an extraordinary experience, and you decide to let others know about it, so you spend 37 years writing, editing, printing and publishing a book about it so you won’t have to repeat it over and over and over. And then you go to distribute the book, and what do interviewers ask you?

“Tell me what happened!”

But, gentle reader, I didn’t do that. Instead I sat back and I spent the next little while telling Joe the story of my experience with Dolly, but this time trying to work in as much of my non-dolphin experience, and recent conclusions regarding us, the dolphins and whatever the fuck causes the UFOs as I could while still threading back to the occasional sweaty-palms narrative.

Forty-five heatstroked minutes later, Joe finished up by asking a few questions. “How did you get consent from the dolphin?” was the one I remember.

I didn’t give him my flip answer, either, which is “When was the last time you got a pig’s consent to turn it into a ham sandwich?” That’s flip because most of us do it without giving it a second thought, and also because it begs the question, Why is getting consent from a non-human partner only important when the human’s sexual pleasure is involved?

Because, not to put too fine a point on it, animals are chattel under most laws, and I can do what I want with chattel, provided if it’s an animal covered under the law (I don’t think many of us are going to lose a lot of sleep about the fates of mosquitoes, bedbugs or fire ants) I treat it humanely, even to the point of killing it humanely. And the law spells out how you do this.

I can breed that animal to another animal that may not be its natural choice, and I can, if necessary, hobble an unwilling female animal so that she cannot injure an unwanted male who rapes her. So it’s not whether the female animal (and, BTW, I submit that, in the eyes of the public, ONLY female animals can be the true “victims” of a bestialist) is enjoying it, or really even whether her body is her own, she is going to be used by her owner as a reproductive vehicle! The choice of a mate isn’t hers and her owner’s interest in her pleasure from the act can be accurately measured in micro-give-a-shits.

But suddenly, if I want to step in, and, knowing what I know about the animal’s species, characteristics and habits, not harm the animal, not hurt the animal, not even rape the animal, but just have sex with the animal — “normal” interspecies sex, for want of a better term, you know, the old in-and-out — for our mutual pleasure, THAT IS A HORRENDOUS, UNSPEAKABLE “CRIME AGAINST NATURE” AND WE MUST DO EVERYTHING IN OUR POWER TO PREVENT IT, OR PUNISH THE BESTIALIST IF IT HAPPENS!

To which I answer, “Where’s the harm?”

Harm. The concept of injury or damage, usually to someone else. Remember that? HARM? In Harm’s Way, famous WWII book & movie? “Evidence of harm,” legal concept? Self-harm, disturbing behavior? Armie Hammer, star of the disastrous 2013 Lone Ranger remake?

But I digress.

Joe did ask one memorable question, which was “How did you get consent from her?”

To which I answered, “Are you kidding? She had to get consent from me!” Which is true, and she spent most of the preceding five months figuring out how to do it! Was there a need to elaborate? Maybe another time.

We concluded the interview and Joe went back to his lair for a couple of weeks to edit. Then he sent me an email with a Vimeo address and a password. And what to my wondering eyes should appear…

I don’t want to spoil it for you, so just let me say that Joe has honored my request to revive Dolly the dolphin in animated form, and chosen to portray us in a highly… COMPROMISED SITUATION.

Let it never be said (by me anyway) that I lack a sense of humor about myself. I acknowledge the many funny actualities in my relationship with Dolly, and point some of them out in the novel, including a photo of her mashing her snout into my would-be girlfriend’s face, while staring straight into the camera. It’s a wonderfully funny picture now, 50 years later, and I’m glad I still have it!

In this regard, let me say that I think Joe has exploited the humorous aspects of my relationship with Dolly in a way that nobody else has done before, and for this I congratulate him! He has also speeded up my voice by about 15-20% to make more of my interview available but doesn’t advise you of this before the interview begins, so I sound a little bit like a lost member of the band Alvin & The Chipmunks, but I mean, hell, Brenner, what do you expect for free? I didn’t really mean to insinuate that Joe was EVIL, just that I was a little… uh… SURPRISED by his… IMAGINATIVE PORTRAIT of myself and the dolphin together, VERY together, in the altogether.

Please check out the website starting Friday evening, September 18 and let Joe and me know what you think, if you choose to. Thanks!

The Sex Therapist Show!


About six weeks ago I was contacted by someone with the unlikely name of SunShine McWane, an associate producer for the Dr. Susan Block Show, to ask if I wanted to do a live interview. The podcast has been on the air since 1996 (!), and Dr. Suzy, as she is known, has quite a few listeners in the Los Angeles area.

Of course, ever hopeful to evangelize a greater audience (which, I hasten to add, is hardly a scientific way to do my work, but an effective one given I don’t have the numbers) I said yes.

Thus began the odyssey of SunShine (no, I never did ask why) McWane, who was determined to get a marine biologist on the show to discuss dolphin sex. I warned her.

“The producers of ‘Dolphin Lover’ tried, without success,” I recalled. “They couldn’t get the one they wanted, so my dialogue about that ended up on the cutting room floor.”

SunShine assured me that she was hopeful. Two weeks later, she didn’t sound so positive.

“They’re all so hoity-toity,” she complained. “I never imagined it would be this hard to find someone to go on a podcast and discuss the normal way dolphins have sex!”

I told her that, for what it was worth, with bottlenose dolphins there didn’t seem to be a normal way of having sex. It was made up all the time, with whatever props, objects or beings were available. That made her pause for thought.

“Well, we’ve got to prepare a PowerPoint presentation,” she finally sighed, and we left it at that, although where she was going to find a lot of illustrations was an unresolved problem.

Two days later, SunShine was back on the phone. “Can you do the show tonight? We had a cancellation.”

So I did. Who could turn the poor thing down? But of course there was no time to prepare the PowerPoint, so it would just be 90 minutes… of me. And due to the time difference between here and the West Coast, I would be on at 1:30 on a Sunday morning.

So be it. No sacrifice is too great to benefit the cause of Cetacean Liberation!

When I finally got on the air with Dr. Suzy, I found a rather nice, considerate person who tried to balance her concern for animals who might be the victims of sexual abuse with a realization that my story was quite real and told us a lot, not only about dolphins but about humans. She didn’t try to squelch me, like Bubba the Love Sponge, or make fun of my zoophilia, like Howard Stern. For that I was thankful.

And, as the above recording shows, she actually knows a lot about the situation with dolphins… although she prefers bonobos, those cute little apes who have been known after spats to make up by having sex.

You be the judge.



Closer to “The Edge”

It’s a dolphin, and it looks like it’s smiling. It always looks like that.

Here it is, fans, my response from the MediaWorks Standards Committee about my complaint.  According to law, I had to file a complaint with MediaWorks first and be declined before I could appeal to the Broadcast Standards Authority, New Zealand’s FCC. Stand by for my response! All italicization is mine, for emphasis.

Dear Malcolm,

The MediaWorks Standards Committee wishes to advise you we have completed our inquiry into your formal complaint about the decision to broadcast on The Edge on 3 April 2019, an edited version of your interview with Dom Harvey, Meg Annear and Clint Randell. You complained that this breached Standards 4, 5, 6 ,8, 9 and 11.

We have not identified any breach of the standards set out in the Code of Broadcasting Practice. Our reasoning is outlined in further detail below.

If you are not happy about this decision you have the right in accordance with Section 7(3) of the Broadcasting Act 1989 to refer your complaint to the Broadcasting Standards Authority, (P.O. Box 9213, Wellington or for the purpose of an investigation and review. You have 20 working days after receipt of this email to exercise this right of referral.

The Broadcast

The broadcast on 3 April was the final installment of a storyline which ran over three episodes of the Dom, Meg and Randell show. We have provided copies of all of the audio from these episodes, with this response. However in summary:

On 29 March the hosts first discussed the viral ‘Florida man’ birthday challenge, in which people conduct a Google search with their date of birth and the words “Florida man”, and receive news stories about the behaviour of a ‘Florida man’ on their birthday. ‘Florida man’ is a generic descriptor for a person who commits bizarre or idiotic crimes, popularly associated with—and often reported in—Florida.

Dom had conducted such a search using his birth date 3 February. The first search result was an article about you with the headline “Florida Man who had sex with dolphin says it seduced him”.

Following this discussion, listeners rang in to contribute their own birth dates and “Florida Man” stories.

On 1 April: the hosts discussed how they had recorded an interview with you, and provided some more detail about your story, including that:

  • you had written a book;
  • you had been fired from the aquarium where this occurred (which we are aware is not the case, but do not think is material);
  • you had been interviewed by MediaWorks’ journalist (at the time) David Farrier;
  • you had reviewed the movie “The Shape of Water” in a piece for Huffington Post;
  • the dolphin’s name was Dolly;
  • you had made a documentary about your relationship with Dolly;
  • you didn’t go through the court system and weren’t sent to jail;
  • you claim Dolly was in love with you;
  • you claim Dolly initiated the behaviour and seduced you over time;
  • you claim Dolly was so distraught when you were separated that she took her own life.

Meg made clear her opposition to hearing about bestiality and outlined her counter-view that Dolly was “traumatised because a man had seduced her and she’s a dolphin”. The hosts then sought and received feedback from listeners on whether or not to broadcast the interview.

Dom indicated he would need to clear it with his legal team before broadcasting.

On 3 April the hosts described the “Florida Man” challenge again, played extracts of the previous show and emphasised to listeners not to ‘flip out’ because they had heard the audience feedback and weren’t going to play the full interview.

They talked about Meg’s opposition to this storyline and played the following extract from the interview:

Malcolm: Dolphins’ skin is peeling all the time so they need to have it rubbed. She would roll over on her back and then swim forward until I was rubbing her [bleep].

Meg: This is sick. This is sick. I think you’re sick in the head and this is disgusting. This is a non-consensual situation. A dolphin cannot consensually choose to have sex with a human and you absolutely took advantage of that and I don’t want to be involved with this.

Meg explained she was flustered and furious, and the hosts explained that everyone who got into contact with the show – apart from one listener named Peter – had agreed that the topic was not appropriate for broadcast. Peter was given the opportunity to listen to the entire interview off-air and was then asked for his view of the interview. Peter indicated that he regretted having heard it.

Standard 4 Violence

The Violence Standard states that :

Broadcasters should exercise care and discretion when referencing violence.

We have not identified any content which referenced violence, and no breach of this Standard.

Standard 5 Law and Order

Under the Law and Order Standard:

Broadcasters should observe standards consistent with the maintenance of law and order, taking into account the context of the programme and the wider context of the broadcast.

As the commentary on this Standard makes clear, its purpose is to prevent broadcasts that encourage audiences to break the law, or otherwise promote criminal or serious antisocial activity.

This broadcast did not promote criminal or serious antisocial activity; rather the inverse is the case. The hosts criticised behaviour which is unlawful in New Zealand under section 143 of the Crimes Act 1961. We consider that this was appropriate,and there is no breach of this Standard.

Standard 6 Discrimination and denigration

Under the Discrimination and Denigration Standard:

Broadcasters should not encourage discrimination against, or denigration of, any section of the community on account of sex, sexual orientation, race, age, disability, occupational status or as a consequence of legitimate expression of religion, culture or political belief.

Although elements of the Broadcast – particularly Meg’s comments – were dismissive and even condemnatory of your behaviour, the Commentary on this Standard is clear:

“This standard does not apply to individuals…
The standard applies only to recognised ‘sections of the community’ which is consistent with the grounds for discrimination listed in the Human Rights Act 1993.”

We do not accept that people who have sex with dolphins, or even at the broadest level, zoophiles (i.e. people with a persistent sexual interest in animals) comprise a “section of the community” within the scope of this Standard. Although the Human Rights Act does prohibit discrimination on the grounds of “sexual orientation”, it defines this as “heterosexual, homosexual, lesbian, or bisexual orientation” only (see section 21(1)(m)), and not an orentation towards animals.

This is consistent with the fact that bestiality is illegal in New Zealand. Zoophiles are not protected from discrimination in the Human Rights Act and we do not accept that the Standard applies here, or that the Standard was breached by this Broadcast.

Standard 8 Balance

Under the Balance Standard:

When controversial issues of public importance are discussed in news, current affairs or factual programmes, broadcasters should make reasonable efforts, or give reasonable opportunities, to present significant points of view either in the same programme or in other programmes within the period of current interest.

As summarised in Guideline 8a, for the standard to apply, the subject matter must be an issue ‘of public importance’, it must be ‘controversial’ and it must be ‘discussed’ in a news, current affairs or factual programme.

The Standard does not apply in this case, because at least two of these requirements are not made out:

  • While clearly important to you, this issue is not relevant to the wider New Zealand public and is not ‘of public importance’. Bestiality, and the capacity for animals to consent to intercourse with a human are fringe issues, without any widespread or mainstream importance.
  • The Dom, Meg and Randell show is not a news, current affairs or factual programme. The show is promoted as a place for “the latest entertainment news, celebrity gossip, scandal, competitions and all the funniest gags to spark up your morning”. Listeners expect light-hearted chat and laughs, but do not reasonably expect it to be “authoritative or truthful”, which is the defining characteristic of a factual programme according to the commentary on the Standards.

Standard 9 Accuracy

Under the Accuracy Standard:

Broadcasters should make reasonable efforts to ensure that news, current affairs and factual programming:
• is accurate in relation to all material points of fact
• does not mislead.

The purpose of this standard is to protect the public from being significantly misinformed. However the Standard applies only to news, current affairs and factual programming, which this was not (see para 16b above) . Therefore there cannot be a breach of this Standard.

Standard 11 Fairness

Under the Fairness Standard:

Broadcasters should deal fairly with any person or organisation taking part or referred to in any broadcast.

There are serious issues with how Dom, Meg and Randell dealt with you and your contribution during the Broadcast. In particular the Committee is concerned about the way the interview was edited and broadcast on 3 April, and the information which Dom Harvey provided to you after your interview, which was misleading and incomplete. We have raised these concerns with the show’s producers and presenters and have reminded them of their obligations under this Standard. We have also reviewed our processes to take into account the slightly unusual situation here, where a storyline was modified in response to clear listener feedback.

However overall we are satisfied that the storyline or the 3 April broadcast were not unfair to you, and fairly reflects your position in relation to your interactions with Dolly.

The BSA’s Commentary on this Standard states:

Generally, a consideration of what is fair will take into account the following:

  • whether the audience would have been left with an unduly negative impression of an individual or organisation
  • whether an individual or organisation taking part or referred to in a programme was adequately informed of the nature of their participation
  • whether informed consent was required and/or obtained (guidance on what constitutes ‘informed consent’ is found in Guidance: Privacy at the back of this Codebook)
  • whether the individual or organisation was given a reasonable opportunity to comment, and whether their comments were adequately presented in the programme
  • the nature of the individual, for example, a public figure or organisation familiar with dealing with the media, as opposed to an ordinary person with little or no media experience
  • whether any critical comments were aimed at the participant in their business or professional life, or their personal life
  • the public significance of the broadcast and its value in terms of free speech

The Committee has considered the context around the broadcast:

We accept that the show’s audience would have been left with a negative impression of you based on your behaviour with Dolly. However we do not accept that this impression was caused by the Broadcast. In the Committee’s view, any negative impression was a result of pre-existing perceptions of bestiality and those who engage in it. The Committee is satisfied that there is already widespread distaste for the behaviour you engaged in. The feedback from listeners of the programme supports this view, and again we note that the New Zealand legislature has seen fit to prohibit bestiality with a serious criminal sanction of up to seven years’ imprisonment.

We consider that prior to the broadcast you were adequately informed of the intended nature of your participation. At that time the hosts did plan to broadcast your interview in full or use it for a podcast. It was only after they received overwhelming listener feedback and appreciated that there was no audience appetite for this story, that the hosts and production team reconsidered their approach. We would have expected them to communicate their decision to you. In any event is clear to us that you are experienced in dealing with the media and have told your story before, and we are certain that you would have expected and would have been prepared for opposition or condemnation of your behaviour.

The Committee does not approve of the way your interview was edited, and we understand why you might feel you had not been given a reasonable opportunity to comment. However we agree with producers that in light of the audience’s clear expectations it was not appropriate to play the entire interview. A better decision would have been not to play any part of your interview, rather than playing only the portions of the interview in which Meg reacted to your behaviour. Despite this we are satisfied that your position was adequately presented across the series of broadcasts, and the 3 April Broadcast on its own. In particular your claims that Dolly initiated and consented to this behaviour were presented, as were your claims that Dolly was forlorn by your separation and died of a broken heart, and the fact bestiality was not illegal in Florida at that time or until 2011. We do not accept that listeners were unaware of your position.


In summary there is no basis to uphold your complaint.

Kind regards,
The MediaWorks Standards Committee

Stay tuned for more exciting news!


Communications from “The Edge”

March 28, 2019

Hey Malcolm,
I do New Zealand’s #1 music radio show on a station called The Edge
(  We would love to chat to you on our show about your
life and story.
Please let me know if this is something you would consider.
Thanks heaps mate

*Dominic Harvey   **Announcer*
*The Edge*   MEDIAWORKS    *MOBILE* +6421451835

Dear Dom, yes I’d be delighted, particularly if you will let me explain that dolphins are telepathic. Several other people besides me have discovered this. It isn’t in the film “Dolphin Lover” ( because the filmmakers ran out of time and money. You should watch the film anyhow to familiarize yourself with my experience.
I’ll be tuning in to your show (so to speak, I’m old school) to see how you do what you do. Be warned!

Yours, Malcolm J. Brenner (the J is important, as there are at least three other Malcolm Brenners running around).

(Addendum) By the way, did I mention there’s a Kiwi angle to this? Look up author Frank Robson’s books, “Thinking Dolphins, Talking Whales” and “Pictures in the Dolphin Mind.” Finding his books meant I wasn’t crazy, or alone. Here’s an article he wrote for a trainer’s journal, and an audio clip from another trainer, “The Cove’s” Ric O’Barry.

Thanks Malcolm.  I’ll look it up.

I just watched your movie.  It was a fascinating watch….I just wish it
was longer.


If it was any longer, it would be boring. – Malcolm

March 31

Hey Malcolm,

When would you like us to call you?  It is now Monday morning here in NZ.
We could call you in an hour if you wanted?


Dom, thanks for writing. Yes, I am available for interview by phone or Skype in an hour. (415) ***-**** or malcolm.brenner1 Shall I expect your call?
BTW, I thought your piece about the friend who committed suicide was quite touching. You really can’t know what it’s like until it happens to you.
Yeah, give me a call. — Malcolm

(PS — please remember when you introduce me to use the middle initial “J.” in my name, as in Malcolm J. Brenner, as I am trying to distinguish myself from Malcolm K. Brenner, an MD who does very wonderful work with pediatric leukemia patients at a hospital in Texas, and I’m sure he is too. Thanks.)

(Addendum) Hey, did you get my earlier message? Are we go for this? Standing by with phone and Skype on for your call. (415) ***-****. — Malcolm

(Addendum) Oh one other thing, Dom, would you please let me know when the segment will air, and where it will be archived? I want to share the information with readers of my blog, Thanks.


in which Meg, about one minute into the interview calls me “sick in the head,” my behavior “disgusting” (without letting me finish the story I was telling about Dolly’s behavior), states that “a dolphin cannot consensually decide to have sex with a human,” (like she knows?) and says that I “absolutely took advantage of that,” then rather than stay around and have herself corrected on air by me, walks out of the studio, leaving Dom and Ryan to interview me. Which they did, rather well, I thought at the time, for about 20 minutes.

Thanks very much for your time Malcolm.

Apologies about Meg.  But I suppose the polarizing nature of your story is
part of the reason we thought you’d make a good guest.  Randell and myself
both appreciated your candidness.

The interview will likely play out in the next couple of days.  We will
just have to get the audio cleared by our legal team here in Auckland, NZ
before doing so.

I’ll be in touch. Thanks again, Dom

Thanks for responding, Dominic. Why is it necessary to clear the audio through your station’s legal team? I didn’t do anything illegal, at the time, so this puzzles me. Can you clarify? Thanks, Malcolm

Our legal team just like to listen to anything we may play that could be
considered offensive/indecent/questionable by listeners.

It is basically just covering our arses in case a complaint is made to the
BSA (thats the NZ equal of the FCC in the US).

Dominic, ok, thanks, that sets my mind more at ease. — Malcolm

April 2


  My section begins at about 42:40.

NOTEZ BIEN: My show has already aired!

April 4

Hi Dominic, Being a former investigative reporter and of a suspicious bent, I’m beginning to wonder if there isn’t a Spaniard in the works, as John Lennon so aptly put it?
Was my interview too hot to handle? Was Meg’s abrupt departure staged for my benefit? Her hostility didn’t seem appropriate to the provocation, and I think she misheard me. I said that after Dolly had maneuvered herself so that I was rubbing her genital slit, I broke off, went back to her head, and she did the same thing again.
In other words, I was trying to be modest, but Dolly had other ideas. So who is Meg really mad at, me, or the dolphin? For being a dolphin?
I haven’t heard anything from you yet, so of course I’m beginning to wonder if the interview is going to air and if so, whole or edited?
Please fill me in. If you’re going to shelve it, it was nice talking to you. — Malcolm

Hi Malcolm,

My apologies for the delay.  This is the edit of the interview.
Our sensitive (possibly over sensitive) legal team (big corporation bullshit) made us remove some of the more graphic stuff. 

(No signature, no sign-off? Dom knows the show has already aired, and what he’s sending me is a BULLSHIT FILE! He must think I’m stupid, because he hasn’t told me the air date yet, and you know I’m going to look in the archives, don’t you? I mean, wouldn’t you?)

Wow, that was quick. Thanks, I’ll listen to it. — Malcolm

Dom, the audio interview is quite OK, such as it is. Would you please send me Meg’s email address at the station, as I should like to write to her personally. Perhaps I can smooth some ruffled feathers. — Malcolm

Sure mate! That’s unnecessary but if you wish to write it is

(He knows it’s “unnecessary” because the show’s already aired and moved on to something else now, having chewed me up and spat me out like a chunk of gristle.)

CenturyLink Webmail: You, me, and dolphins

April 5, 2019

Dear Meg,
I want to reach out to you personally because I think your performance last week was un-called for, and I’d like to know, for once, what motivated it?

What makes you hate me so much that you stormed out of the studio, leaving the interview to Dominic and Randell? I was for almost a decade a reporter for two daily newspapers covering the Navajo Nation, and I can only remember a couple of cases where I did that. In both cases I was provoked far beyond what you were; in fact, I question whether you were “provoked” at all by what I was saying. Your rage had a pre-digested, packaged quality that suggests it was actually manufactured long before you heard what were only the beginnings of my story about Dolly.

Furthermore, I think you misheard me when I described the dolphin’s behavior . Yes, I was a zoophile. But that was a quirk of my adolescence; it embarrassed me, and I wanted nothing more than a normal relationship with a woman.

Unfortunately, Dolly didn’t care about what I wanted, at least at first. What I was attempting to describe, when you exploded and fled, was Dolly’s attempt to take advantage of me. She positioned herself so I was rubbing her vulva, twice, and at that point I realized it was deliberate and broke off. I wanted to talk to the damn dolphin, I had no ambitions to have sex with her!

It was, as she explained later, what she did to all the adult humans at the park: try to solicit some sex from them. Sort of like a game. ( That was only one of several things she had to explain telepathically. Before you conclude I’m totally nuts, consider that 4 other trainers – Ric O’Barry of The Cove, Michael Greenwood of Peter Fisher’s Odyssey, David Holroyd, who wrote The Perfect Pair trilogy, and even your own Frank Robson, a fisherman from Taranaki who discovered that dolphins responded to pictures in his head and wrote two books about it, Thinking Dolphins, Talking Whales and Pictures in the Dolphin Mind – have spoken about the telepathic bond they shared with dolphins.)

Here’s two pictures of what happened when I brought my prospective girlfriend down to the dophin’s pen: (see below)

The dolphin recognized her as competition and threw her out of the pool!

The dolphin, in other words, had a serious jones for me. I thought I could control her, but I couldn’t; the idea that any human being, even a US Navy SEAL team (or the equivalent) can, is a ridiculous fantasy. The Navy SEALS I’ve talked to admit they’re helpless before the dolphin, which can outswim them every time. There’s no way that I, alone and naked, could “take advantage” of a 180 kg dolphin!

And in fact (to draw this to a close), Dolly actually defended me against an attack by the last male dolphin in the pool with her, and then, entirely on her own, figured out how to wriggle through a very narrow space where the male dolphin could not or would not follow, so we could have some privacy!

So where did I “take advantage” of her? Please explain.

Let me tell you a little bit about her. She was kept in a sea-level pen, rather than a pool, so she could perform in open water , swimming alongside a riverboat in the Intracoastal Waterway (Lemon Bay, to be exact) and jumping for fish from her trainer’s hand, about 3.2 meters above the water. Sometimes she met wild dolphins and swam off with them, but she always came back! Wondering why was really the start of our relationship. The answer I got was that she was studying us.

I will leave you with the ramifications of that statement.

But enough about me and the dolphin, back to you. You couldn’t even listen to my story! What did you think a guy who has written a novel called Wet Goddess: Recollections of a Dolphin Lover was going to talk about, Goldilocks and the Three Bears? Come on, Meg, that’s why I believe your anger was manufactured on the spot.

You were all primed and ready to explode with self-righteous rage at me because I was an “animal abuser,” when in fact I’ve been married twice, once for 12 years, once for 9, and I have a grown daughter by my first wife who loves my writing and designs the covers for my books. She works for a San Francisco ad agency, and she makes a hell of a lot more than you do. What does this mean? I have about 1000x the experience making love to women as I do females of other species.

And you know what? I abuse as much as I want, which (as Penn Teller pointed out) is ZERO. You didn’t react to me, you reacted to a paper cut-out in your mind, a convenient target for your rage. I think I deserve an explanation. I hope you learn some professionalism and tolerance in your career. – Malcolm J. Brenner

April 9

Dominic, it’s no wonder you never let me know when the interview was going to air – it never did! Instead you put on this disgusting excuse for journalism, in which I am denounced by Megan as an animal rapist (I am right about that, Meg?) but never given the chance to rebut any of her statements. My interview lasted a good 20 minutes, which you cut down to 10 on suggestion of the lawyers, but I guess that still wasn’t enough for station management or the advertising department. I’ve been through this before. How disappointing.

Furthermore, by calling me “an animal abuser” Megan has utterly defamed me. I have never been convicted of any such crime, and I never will be, because I do not abuse animals, people, or other living creatures! How a naked human could possibly abuse a 180 kg in the water is a question for physicists. It can’t happen, because the dolphin can do whatever it wants with the human, even the toughest military divers will tell you that. What a laughable accusation!

I demand that Megan retract her statement on the air, allow me equal time to address your audience on the facts regarding my relationship with the dolphin, OR that you put the full interview on your web site so your audience can judge for themselves what happened.

I expect an answer in 24 hours or I will take the appropriate actions, and those lard-ass lawyers of yours will start earning their salaries.
Sincerely yours, Malcolm J. Brenner

Dear Malcolm
I am the lawyer for *The Edge*.
You may not be aware, but New Zealand’s law of defamation does not cover legitimate expressions of opinion.  There is no basis for us to take any further action on this issue, and we do not intend to. Please contact me if you would like to discuss this further.
Kind regards

…and so begins my case with the Broadcast Standards Authority of New Zealand. Stay tuned for more exciting details!

Interviewer denounces author as “dolphin abuser,” walks out.

Well folks, I went on the Dom, Meg and Randell podcast this morning (in New Zealand, it was late afternoon the day before in Punta Gorda) and about 4 minutes into the interview, as I was describing Dolly’s first advances, rolling on her back and swimming forward until I was rubbing her genital slit, then, when I moved back to her head, doing it again, Meg (the female member of the interview trio, as you may have adroitly guessed) exploded into rage completely unrelated to what I was talking about.

Without giving me a chance to answer her accusations, she said I was a “dolphin abuser” who “took advantage” of that poor dolphin! Then she stormed out of the studio, all too eager to leave before she could learn the truth: dolphins are sexual creatures.

Very sexual.

The two male interviewers, Dom (who recently had a good friend commit suicide) and Randell, continued the interview without her, and it went rather well from my point of view. I got to say everything I wanted to say, got to promote human-dolphin telepathy, got to answer all the interviewers’ questions about the event and got to plug my book and ebook at the end. Listen to it all here, friends. (As soon as it’s published, it was pre-recorded.)

UPDATE: They recorded it, then sent me a version that was half long but still all right, and then, without telling me, they ran this shit. I’ve been treated badly by shock jocks before (Bubba the Love Sponge and Howard Stern come to mind), but I’ve never been set up like this! I feel like a bowling pin, and the station is going to get a letter from me denouncing this.  It’s right here, and they start talking about me at 42:30.

Another day, another podcast…


I’ll be appearing on “Uncle Tee’s Cool Pool Party,” a podcast at 8 p.m. EDST Monday on STLR Media in Sarasota. This is the same time slot as “The Twysted Tyrants Show” with Johnny Christ BayBay that I was on about a month ago, but Johnny is gone and it’s a new show. Host Cat Welch has promised me we’ll be able to talk about other things than my love affair with a dolphin, things like my family’s involvement with the crazy pseudo-science of the late Dr. Wilhelm Reich, the 20 years I spent practicing Wicca, the decade I spent reporting on the Navajos and Zunis, or my attempts to understand the elusive nature of the UFO, starting when I was a child. (Photo of me defending the First Amendment outside the trailer of the Farmington Daily Times in Shiprock, N.M. Photo by Chas Clifton.)

Emilie knows Malcolm (but not in the Biblical sense)!


Some time ago I was asked by Los Angeles comedian Emilie Hagen to do an interview. I was feeling a little toasty from a couple of recent interviews where the hosts kept asking me the same hoary questions I’ve been asked by every interviewer, like “How did you meet this dolphin?” (I’m seriously tempted to answer, “A bad match-up on a dating site.”) So I wasn’t really enthusiastic to do what appeared to be another one.

When I expressed this to Emilie, she explained that she wanted to ask me about my feelings for Dolly. This was such a novel approach that I was momentarily taken aback. Most interviewers are like, “Did you do it in her blowhole?” or “When did you stop fucking your dog?” Emilie, in contrast, was showing me some actual respect and treating me like a human being, rather than a sideshow freak. Believe me, I appreciated that!

Our Skype chat lasted a little over two hours, which was pretty amazing, and while Emilie allowed me to drift a bit, she got what she needed (I hope so!). Then she sat down with the 1/4-inch magnetic recording, demagnetized razor blade, an editing block and a roll of Scotch splicing tape… oh wait, sorry, wrong millennium! It took her about three weeks to edit our long talk down to what I think is one of the best one-on-one interviews anyone has done with me.

Many thanks, Emilie, for keeping it light and keeping it real. It was genuine fun working with you, which is a fuck of a lot more than I can say about those slavering boobs, Howard Stern and Bubba the Love Sponge!

Listen to “Emilie Knows Everything” on Spreaker.

“Twysted Tyrants” show interview April 16

PUNTA GORDA, Fla. – Since the publication of his review of Oscar-winning film The Shape of Water, author Malcolm J. Brenner has seen renewed interest in his writing and  opinions on the controversial subjects of inter-species sex and love.

“The interview, written by Ashley Feinberg and published in The Huffington Post, has drawn a lot attention, and insane condemnation from people who wouldn’t know me from Adam in an ape suit,” Brenner said. “However, it’s also sparked an enormous bump in sales of my novel Wet Goddess: Recollections of a Dolphin Lover, which is based on my 1970-’71 relationship with Dolly, a female bottlenose dolphin.”

Monday, March 26, was unique, in that Brenner got requests for two interviews: one from The Twisted Tyrants Radio Show on STLR Media in Sarasota, Fla., the other from a student journalist in Sydney, Australia.

Brenner will be a featured guest on the podcast starting at 9 p.m.
(Eastern Daylight Savings Time) on Monday, April 16. The show is hosted by Johnny Christ BayBay and his sidekick Uncle T, as well as a couple of other on-air personalities.

“Most interviewers want to talk to me about zoophilia and the maybe dolphins, in that order,” Brenner said, “but I’ve written two other books, one about my childhood in a pseudoscientific cult and the other a novel dealing with UFOs. When Johnny contacted me, he mentioned that he was interested in my experience practicing Wicca and my time reporting on the Navajo Nation, because one of his advertisers is a magical supplies store. I’m glad to shine some light on other aspects of my remarkable life.”

“Be prepared for two hours of strictly adult entertainment,” Brenner concluded.