On Order: A New, Improved “Burning Times!”

Posted on by Malcolm J. Brenner

The following is a slight revision of an email I sent to 34 individuals, some Pagan, a few Christian, and a handful of other religions just for luck. In short, just about everybody I know! I consider this dangerous announcement, from our seriously unhinged Commander-In-Chief (if Little Rocketman Musk hasn’t assumed that authority too) to be a warning anyone who is NOT a card-carrying Christian, to this effect:

Shut your damn pie hole about whatever weird rite it is you do, because talking about it is just as bad as doing it, and if Donald doesn’t send the IRS suits to question your religious tax exemption, maybe he’ll just send the Proud Boys to beat the snot out of you, smash whatever unholy heathen idols you think you’re worshipping, and burn your house of worship!

With that in mind, here it is:

Feb. 7, 2025

Shake the moths out of your asbestos undergarments, all you Witches, Pagans, occultists, Native Americans and followers of other obscure religions, because suddenly our notably-unreasonable sequel, TRUMP 2: MY REVENGE ON EVERYTHING!, is the only attraction at the local drive-in!

As proof I offer you this news report, filed today, Feb. 7, 2025, by Lauren Taylor of Straight Arrow News, bless her pointed little head!

https://centurylink.net/news/read/article/straight_arrow_news-trump_signs_executive_order_to_combat_antichristia-sanews

Gee, I wonder who The Donald and the Reptilian who holds his leash, Emperor Elon, will appoint to decide what is “anti-Christian?” Why, that fuming, writhing cauldron of feminist sorcery, Her Witchyness Pam Bondi, the U.S. Attorney General! I haven’t looked at her tack, err, TRACK record yet, but if Herr Drumpf’s other nominees are any indication, I bet she’s as highly polished as a frozen turd can get, to paraphrase the late, great Stanley Kubrick! Wonder Bread, all the way! 

What, I wonder, are Pamela’s qualifications to sit in judgment on those who might be considered Anti-Christian? What a challenge! Does this mean we don’t get to enjoy the seasonal Baphomet display of the Satanic Church every Yuletide? Will the Isis-worshipping roots of the Easter Bunny be exposed? Is the Book of Revelations really a “how-to manual” for the Apocalypse, and can Ms. Bondi’s crayon connect the dots without melting?

Who can Pam enlist to help her in this noble crusade? Well, she could use a Quija board to raise the spirit of Torquemada, leader of the Spanish Inquisition, because you’re allowed to do Satanic things, as long as it’s in the Lord’s Name! You get it? There’s absolute absolution at the top, baby! And I’m sure Torquemada, or “Torky!” as he was known to close friends, could advise her. 

So could the mad, unlamented pre-Revolutionary Russian monk Grigori Rasputin, who sinned mightily so he could be forgiven! (Notez-bien: Any similarity to the philosophy of Universalism, as espoused by people such as 19th-Century poet Walt Whitman, is co-incidental and unintentional!) I’m sure Cyril of Alexandria, who had Hypatia, the brilliant, Pagan woman mathematician of Alexandria, murdered horribly by a mob, then burned the great library of Alexandria, would be willing to add his two bits worth… you get my idea? The candidates will have to take a number! Their name is Legion!

As the Wiccan High Priestess Starhawk advises, “Never make your religious decisions out of fear.”

I, for one, will not go quietly, and I hope you feel the same way! Otherwise, go read an astrology column! Or a right-wing screed, or a complaint about passivity that is, itself, passive! I will continue to be what I am, a pro-dolphin evangelist (secular), an author, photographer and publisher, and do what I do. I don’t have time to be anti-Christian, 

BECAUSE I’M TOO FUCKING BUSY RIGHT NOW FIGHTING FASCISM! 

Thanks for being, and remaining, my friends and readers! — Malcolm J. Brenner, now and forever an iconoclast, and individualist, and a Foe of Bullies Everywhere!  

(Image of Indiana Jones, or somebody who looks like him, generated on the third attempt by WordPress’s built-in AI, which is an oxymoron. Here’s what I was aiming for:)

“I came here to study the Humanities and punch Nazis, and they just cut funding for the Humanities!” — Dr. Indiana Jones, Archeologist & Tomb-Robber

True Crime and Coke®: Of Reich and Wicca!

Posted on by Malcolm J. Brenner
Members of Amber K and Azrael’s coven gather on the hills above Los Alamos, N.M. to perform their magic rituals. A cover I shot, which never ran on the last of Llewellyn Publishing’s 4-volume “Witchcraft Today” series, because the first three volumes sold so badly they threw away this photo and changed the cover to something harmless and non-controversial, hoping to cover their tracks. Of course, it didn’t work. Photo ©1995 Malcolm J. Brenner.

NEWS FLASH: At precisely 8 p.m. on June 30 (if hostess TerriLee has her act together, likewise me, and the internet gods smile upon us), I will be a guest, for the second freaking time, on the podcast True Crime & Coke. This marks a new level of sophistication in my career as a dolphin evangelist, because it’s the first time anyone has asked me to be on a second time!


But this time, the subject won’t be those clever dolphins and their unstoppable sex drives. Instead, it will be two experiences in my life which affected me profoundly: The influence of the mad 1950’s pseudo-scientist Wilhelm Reich on my family when I was a child, documented in my memoir Growing Up in the Orgone Box; and, decades later, in my 30’s, learning to become a Witch (yes, not a warlock) from my first wife Seafoam, only to suffer, some 20 years later, a complete loss of my faith in ritual and magic as my marriage to my second wife (I can’t remember her magical name, so I’ll just call her as I do in my most recent science-fiction novel Mel-Khyor: An Interstellar Affair, Susie Louise) crumbled around me, taking my profession, home, family and sanity with it.

The late Dr. Wilhelm Reich with his “orgone energy cloud buster,” a claimed weather modification device which ran on bluster and pseudoscience.

I don’t know exactly how long the program will be, 1-2 hrs. (I can’t go much longer than that, especially starting at 8 p.m.) is the usual, or whether listeners will be able to ask questions by text or call in. All that is to be determined, is above my pay grade, is being contemplated by cool and objective minds far greater than mine… or any humans! Muuu-hahahahaha! But, if you’re not too busy digging your new flower bed in the evening hours, or working on a canning project, or finding a cleaning solution that remove those stubborn blood stains from the curtains, why don’t you tune in?

Members of the Neo-Pagan community particularly invited, not because I’m going to try to talk you into or out of anything, but maybe you can find something in my story to relate to. After all, who among us has not, at some time, doubted the efficacy of their magic? And Reichians? Sure, they can listen in if they want, and learn that their “Great Man” (Reich’s own term for himself — modest, much, Wilhelm?) had serious feet of clay. A man who, despite having written a textbook called Character Analysis, proved to be an absolutely clueless idiot when it came to analyzing the character of his closest associates.

What more can I say? I’m going to reveal some really awful family secrets? Yes. I’m going to spill my guts? I’m going to set my hair on fire? Sorry, no seppuku, no ignitions, but, as said of the celebrated Mr. Kite in the Beatles’ song,

“A splendid time is guaranteed for all, and tonight Mr. Kite is topping the biiiillllll!” (Cue the calliope.)

“Twysted Tyrants” show interview April 16

Posted on by Malcolm J. Brenner

PUNTA GORDA, Fla. – Since the publication of his review of Oscar-winning film The Shape of Water, author Malcolm J. Brenner has seen renewed interest in his writing and  opinions on the controversial subjects of inter-species sex and love.

“The interview, written by Ashley Feinberg and published in The Huffington Post, has drawn a lot attention, and insane condemnation from people who wouldn’t know me from Adam in an ape suit,” Brenner said. “However, it’s also sparked an enormous bump in sales of my novel Wet Goddess: Recollections of a Dolphin Lover, which is based on my 1970-’71 relationship with Dolly, a female bottlenose dolphin.”

Monday, March 26, was unique, in that Brenner got requests for two interviews: one from The Twisted Tyrants Radio Show on STLR Media in Sarasota, Fla., the other from a student journalist in Sydney, Australia.

Brenner will be a featured guest on the podcast starting at 9 p.m.
(Eastern Daylight Savings Time) on Monday, April 16. The show is hosted by Johnny Christ BayBay and his sidekick Uncle T, as well as a couple of other on-air personalities.

“Most interviewers want to talk to me about zoophilia and the maybe dolphins, in that order,” Brenner said, “but I’ve written two other books, one about my childhood in a pseudoscientific cult and the other a novel dealing with UFOs. When Johnny contacted me, he mentioned that he was interested in my experience practicing Wicca and my time reporting on the Navajo Nation, because one of his advertisers is a magical supplies store. I’m glad to shine some light on other aspects of my remarkable life.”

“Be prepared for two hours of strictly adult entertainment,” Brenner concluded.