Two Bullies, 1,000 Cameras and the Brave Little Kid!

Posted on by Malcolm J. Brenner

Yet another letter to our… king, I guess. He could be… McBeth? Where are the three wise women, and their coven of naked hag witches, when you NEED them? But even without them, I saw magic, bravery, and some utterly contemptuous behavior today. Here’s a letter I just sent to #45-47, AGAIN! He’s already in the whale shit that collects at the bottom of the Marianas Trench, so how much lower can he sink? STAY TUNED! (NOTE: The White House imposes a 4K limit on characters, and I have used ALL of mine!)

Photo: Saul Loeb, AFP. Body Language: Ukrainian!

Donald Dumpster Fire,

Wow, what a surprise I had today! I heard that you and Shady — you know, your Veep? — were meeting Ukrainian President Volodomyr Zelenskyy in the Oval Office, and of course I wanted to see your warm, charming, thoughtful, humanitarian diplomacy giving encouragement, money, resources and most importantly of all, powerful, precision, long-range American weapons, to the brave ex-televison personality (just like you, only not fat!) now called upon to lead his people in a totally defensive war against a large, bloodthirsty, ruthless and better-armed opponent who, TIME AND AGAIN, has oppressed, starved and murdered his people!

I expected to see YOUR LEADERSHIP ON DISPLAY! I expected to hear YOUR COMPASSION for a nation at war! And I expected you to CONGRATULATE President Zelenskyy on the bravery of his troops, the loyalty of the Ukrainian people, the skillful deployment of the weapons we sent him, and his resolution and valor in standing firm against the oppression of a murderous criminal madman!

Photo: Associated Press — HEY! Who the hell let THEM in?

You (not Zelensky, there was just 1 Ukrainian reporter in the room, you could tell who she was because her makeup was running like Rudy Giuliani’s hair dye) must’ve had about 1K cameras in there to cover the event for posterity, but a moment after I tuned in the broadcast on one of those bleeding-heart networks I watch, SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENED!

I think my TV must have picked up an old episode of “Little Rascals” or “Leave it to Beaver,” because suddenly everything became B&W and what I was watching, changed! Now the show was of two nasty playground bullies, a fat, misshapen, ugly 6th grader named Donald and his accomplice, a 5th grader with 5 o’clock shadow named… hey, what does the J stand for in your Veep’s first name? I can’t be bothered to remember — JD, and they were harassing a tough little 4 grader named Vlodny, dressed all in black, for his lunch money!

“YOU DON’T HOLD ANY CARDS,” the lard-bucket Donnie thundered, trying but failing to sound bad-ass.
“We’re not playing cards,” Vlodny said.
“YOU HAVEN’T TOLD US HOW THANKFUL YOU ARE FOR TO US FOR NOT BEATING YOU UP!” JD whined, sounding like a weasel caught in a leg trap.
“YEAH, AND YOU OWE US 350 BILLION, JILLION, TRILLION DOLLARS,” that lying little bastard Donald said, spitting saliva all over Vlodny’s black clothes.

[Image generated by AI. It only took 3 tries! And no apologies, this time.]

At that point, you know what I really, really wanted Vlodny to do? GET UP AND PUNCH DONALD IN THE FACE, AND BITCH-SLAP SHADY! Then leave.

But strangest of all was THE HAND UP DONNY’S BUTT, like he was a puppet! And why did it smell like borscht? And then the screen went blank.

In conclusion: Since your repeated so many of Putin’s talking points on Ukraine, I conclude that you and your whole administration are RUSSIAN OPERATIVES, doing what the Soviet Union couldn’t do with force: YOU ARE DESTROYING AMERICA FROM WITHIN!

Ye Gods, Putin must have some hella-good COMPROMAT ON YOU! I’m telling my reps in Congress to seek a 25 Amendment solution to you, and if that doesn’t work, I hope some civic-minded citizen will sacrifice him or herself to perform a 2nd Amendment solution. Not me, I’m 73, suffer 3 debilitating diseases, and don’t travel. But you do, and I hope Air Force One crashes in the ocean with you aboard. Shame to kill those great pilots, stewards and staff, but remembering Timothy McVay, they would be merely “COLLATERAL DAMAGE.”

I am buying a bottle of good champagne and saving it for the day you loose your office, your power, your hostility to the America my parents fought to defend, what little honor you imagined you had, your “face” (Japanese) and if it comes to that, your worthless life, LOSER!

You & JD have embarrassed me, the American government, and all our former friends and allies abroad. Although I’m an atheist, I think we should open room in Hell just for you. It could be a new theme ride at Disneyland!

Truly yours, Malcolm J. Brenner, and no, ELON CANNOT HAVE MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!

Author with bottle of formerly Russian beverage.

Unsolicited Advice, to a Brute, to be Ignored…

Posted on by Malcolm J. Brenner

Today, inspired by current events, I sat down and wrote a slightly — OK, somewhat — sarcastic letter to our 47th president, who could use a little advice about how to handle all the difficult, complex problems swirling around him, at home and abroad. Here it is! Go forth, Donny, and sin no more! Oh, BTW — your diaper needs changing! I can smell it from here.

Unloved King Shitzfurbranez,

Ye gods, you are an unholy fuckup! Even a little schmuck like me can still give you advice, so here’s a bulleted list:

  • Get rid of Elon! You need him, but does he need you? NO! His net income is bigger than some countries’ GDPs! He’s bought you, but how long will it be before he runs out of Special K and gets bored? My advice: Do him on a bridge, like Teddy Kennedy did it with that little bitch Mary Jo Kopechne! You can say you dove into the frigid, swirling water dozens of times trying to rescue Musky, and emerge for the news cameras a sopping wet HERO! Once again, you, Donnybrook, WIN!
  • Social Security, which I depend on for a meager $1,005 a month — pardon me, I had a checkered career — is headed for insolvency, and Medicare, which keeps me from dying of treatable illness and pays for my hospital stays and doctor care, appears to be on the chopping block. Oh, the government spent too much, we can’t afford to help the POOR any more! Besides, they must’ve somehow earned their poorness, because that’s where they are, right? POOR! BUT, I have come up with an amazing solution, completely unthought-of by anyone in your cabinet, Musk Ox or extended advisory council! Want to hear it? OK, and I won’t even charge you! HERE IT IS:
    TAX THE MOTHERFUCKING RICH!
    TAX THE MOTHERFUCKING RICH!
    TAX THE MOTHERFUCKING RICH!
    TAX THE MOTHERFUCKING RICH!
    There! Did you get that? And let me tell you why that’s GOOD economics, GOOD for America and GOOD for YOU: because if you tax the RICH, there aren’t enough of them to form a big mob, like you did on Jan. 6, 2021, pick up pitchforks and light torches, block the exits of the White House so you can’t get out, and burn it down AROUND YOU! That’s what happens, even to kings and queens, when they try to shift the tax burden from the nobles to the peasants. The peasants BURN you ALIVE! NOTE: This is not a threat, so don’t call whatever crook you have running the Secret Service. It’s merely a historical observation. But take my advice & AGAIN, YOU WIN!
  • Gazans have had at least 46,000 people, 2/3 of them (30,360) women and children, killed in the recent Israeli-committed genocide. I know you don’t give shit about them, but that was state-sponsored payback for the horrifying Oct. 7, 2023 HAMAS attacks where about 1,200 Israelis were killed. Now, you say you, or we, or somebody, is going to OWN GAZA and develop it into beautiful beachfront property, like Siesta Key, Sarasota, FL, where I used to live. But NOBODY ASKED THE PALESTINIANS! Because they’re poor, and poor people don’t vote, not for you, unless they’re white and dumb! I know the Navajo (Nation) pretty well, and they were relocated by the 7th Cavalry around 1862. They tried to scrape a living out of the sorry piece of sand they were forced to live on for 3 years, then gave up and WALKED 300 MILES back to their FORMER home! So I don’t think the Gazans, who have been living in PALESTINE for centuries, if not millennia, are going to leave that easily. My solution? Most Israelis are ASHKENAZI JEWS, which means their ancestry is European! WOULDN’T IT BE EASIER TO SEND THEM BACK TO EUROPE, GIVE GAZA BACK TO THE PALESTINIANS, and shake your buddy Netanyahu’s hand as he gets on the last train out of Jerusalem? Problem solved, and again, YOU WIN, DONNY! And don’t say I’m anti-Semitic, my dad was a Jew, served with the U.S. Army Signal Corps in WW2, and was a fine man. I loved him dearly. (My mother also served, as a nurse in the Royal Air Force, but with her, not so much.)
    Don’t worry, I’m approaching the end!
    •What I said about the Navajo loving their land also applies to Ukrainians. They like their own land just fine. And if that Jewish Fascist Zelenskyy started the war, did the Russian tank commanders have compasses? I ask, because all the Russian tanks I saw (you can tell, they had Russian flags on them) WERE HEADING WEST! I know that Putin is a fellow oligarch-cum-dictator, but just drop a small nuclear weapon, say 1 KT, on the Kremlin while he’s in it! Never mind the fallout, it’s just collateral damage, after all, you will have the heartfelt thanks and prayers of every Russian (I have friends there)! And the Ukrainians can go back to what they enjoy, being servile slaves of that horrible despot Zelenskyy! AGAIN YOU WIN!
  • The economy still sucks, worse than under Biden! That egg for your McMuffin cost $1! FORGET IT, YOU LOSE, KING SHITZFURBRANEZ! LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, you know who will inherit your throne? Not your children, but a man named ELON! LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOERLOSERLOSERLOSER!

Most sincerely yours, Malcolm J. Brenner

P.S. — Just one question, Donald (you never did like that name, did you? What a shit your father was, to name you that!): I had to fill out a long and rather complex form to be able to send this email to the White House, and answer some personal questions to do so. BUT WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW MY BLOOD TYPE? It is, for the record, B negative, which I am. Only towards you!

But what, Donnie, can I do? IT’S IN MY BLOOD! — MJB

(Image generated by AI. All you graphic artists out there, from the bottom of my flinty, cheap little heart, I apologize! This time, AI did what I asked, and I don’t have any money to pay you, anyway. And if I offered you my daughter’s hand in marriage, her husband might object, although that’s not a sure thing, they live in San Francisco, after all. So there!)