The Awful, uh, Author, as photographed by my daughter’s ex-boyfriend, who was an OK photographer but sort of abusive to her, and for that reason, no credit for him!I’d just be defaming him, anyhow.
I’m excited to announce that BOTH of my books, Wet Goddess: Recollections of a Dolphin Lover, and Growing Up in the Orgone Box: Secrets of a Reichian Childhood, will be available as part of a promotion on Smashwords for the month of July as part of their Annual Summer/Winter Sale! This is a chance to get my books, along with books from many other great authors, at a 50% discount, so you can get right to your summer reading!
(Image from YouTube by MINT. I don’t own the copyright, but I did just give you a free plug, MINT, for which I won’t charge you! Express your thanks later.)
Dear TACO Presidente,
If you join Israel’s war against Iran, you are a bigger idiot than I thought, and I didn’t think you could be a bigger idiot than you already are!
Since it was founded on land stolen from the Palestinians in 1948, Israel has been the tail that wags the American dog, and the 1967 attack on the USS Liberty, an American intelligence-gathering ship that was off the coast of Egypt at the time, proves it! The Liberty was flying a HUGE-HUGE!-HUGE US flag, and was repeatedly strafed by Israeli jets and torpedoed by Israeli gunboats! The Israeli government claimed “misidentification” and has never satifactorilly explained why or how.
Further evidence: In spite of the fact that NO IRAQIS were among the Sept. 9, 2001 highjackers, the US lied about Saddam Hussein’s “weapons of mass destruction,” and the US Army threw Iraq out of Kuwait largely so no Israelis would have to die doing the same dirty work!
Lest you think I am anti-Semitic, I am not, my father was a Jew who changed his last name from Cohen to Brenner on the advice of his teachers at MIT, so he could find a job in the electronics field! Although suffering tuberculosis, he served in the Signal Corps, operating a radar set on Iwo Jima shortly after the Marines took it. Likewise, my mother served in the Royal Air Force, helping Hurricane and Spitfire pilots recover from their wounds so they could go on and win the Battle of Britain!
I am loyal to the Constitution of the USA, and the values of my country, and YOU, PRESIDENTE LOSER NUMERO UNO, ARE NOT! If you involve us in another war halfway around the world, even by just dropping the MOAB on lranian nuclear plants, you will infuriate your MAGA “America First!” base, enrage the American public at large, unify the Iranian people behind their illegitimate Islamo-Fascist leadership, which was about to topple, and contaminate a HUGE-HUGE!-HUGE (I know how much you like that word, even though you drop the H like my Yorkshire mother did when she got mad) sector of the Middle East with nuclear radiation the will make Chernobyl look like a mud puddle in comparison!
Not to mention that we had a fine, anti-nuclear-weapons treaty with Iran from 2015 until May 8, 2018, when you, Bobblehead, took the US out, SOLELY BECAUSE THE DEAL HAD BEEN NEGOTIATED BY A DEMOCRAT, and the accords COLLAPSED! That led directly to Iran re-starting their nuclear enrichment program, and this mess which ISRAEL IS BEGGING US TO JOIN, NOW!
DON’T DO IT, DONALD, unless YOU want to be REMEMBERED as the Lyndon Johnson of the 21st Century! Future generations will curse you if you get us ensnarled in this mess, let the Israelis do their own fighting, for once! They can drop a small atomic bomb on those plants any time they want to, but they don’t want to tip their hand that they can destroy all their Arab neighbors in the time it takes an Israeli fighter jet to reach their capital cities! Could you live with that existential threat hanging over you?
NOW, show some discipline over your ICE thugs, or that the only recruits you get for those jobs will be thugs, degenerates or sadists — although maybe that’s what you want! I’d like to get you alone behind a closed door for just two minutes, Donny Boy. I’m 74 and have three chronic conditions, but in just two minutes, I’d show you what “getting your comeuppance” means! You are a sick, cruel, utterly vapid and dangerous person to have with your thumb on the Big Red Button, and the sooner you exit the White House the better, on your feet or feet first, I NO LONGER CARE! And take your pet rat, Shady Vance, with you, or the next inhabitant will have to call Truly Nolan Pest Control!
Hey Donnie Loser, looks like you and Barron just lost another one! I hear Harvard wouldn’t have him, and you couldn’t buy his way in, like your father bought you out of serving in Vietnam. So, so, sorry! Oh, the thought of Barron having to attend a plain old ORDINARY school with NORMAL KIDS in it who aren’t nearly as PRIVILEGED as he is, but ARE SMARTER, is so discouraging! Why, he might even have to attend USF, or FSU, or one of the other mediocre, common-place state schools we have here in Florida, where you make your little cozy nest at Mar-A-Logo.
But wait, all hope isn’t lost! Do you want to send Barron to an EXCLUSIVE school, an EXPENSIVE, school, with select students from all over the USA (but not too many Blacks, Hispanics, Asians, South Americans and other people from what you call SHIT HOLE COUNTRIES)? A school which has already been cleansed of dreadful WOKENESS by our thoughtful governor, Ron De Sanctimonious, you call him — at least, you called him that when he was campaigning against you, but I bet you don’t even know, or can’t articulate (that means spell out) what “sanctimonious” means, but one of your lackeys suggested it might be a good, mean name to call him. For the record, “sanctimonious” means flaunting your beliefs in public — just like you do, every day!
THE SOLUTION? Send Barron to NEW COLLEGE OF FLORIDA, now that De Santis has scrubbed it clean of any WOKE influences! You used to be able to graduate in three years, it took me five, but I got a little depressed after my lover committed suicide. So Barron should be able to just whiz through in record time! And SCHOLARSHIP? There never was any scholarship at New College, it was just a place for overly-moneyed, overly privileged white folks, mostly (because a lot of Blacks didn’t have the $10,000 a year it cost to send me there) to send their kids to keep them out of The Draft. And you DO remember the draft, 1965-1975 or so? Sure you do, because your daddy the Ku Klux Klan supporter paid a doctor to lie about your bone spurs! I really feel sorry for you, spending all that time on a hot tennis court while my brothers, abut whom you care less than nothing, were taking it easy, smoking weed, shooting smack and balling Vietnamese women, and occasionally killing the VC and NVA regulars who were overrunning that shockingly corrupt country. But that’s ancient history, with your bone spurs being medical mythology.
LOOK, Donbert, I ASSURE YOU THAT LI’L BARRON-DO WILL LEARN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OF VALUE AT NEW COLLEGE! How do I know? They have a media lab that is 50 years old! They have elitist attitudes, just like you do, and their professors are mostly punks who are now so beat-down by the De Santis De-Construction that they couldn’t teach a mockingbird how to sing, just like they were when I graduated in 1974! One art professor would give only one kind of evaluation to 90% (that’s 9 out of 10, I know you’re weak on math) of his students, A SINGLE WORD: “SATISFACTORY.” But hey, you have all the good words, the best words, and that word is worth $10,000 a year when you’re learning steel plate engraving, or about the Fascist forces defense of the Alcazar during the Spanish Civil War — oh Donnyslopper, as one of the students said to me when I first entered old NC, “You had to be there!” The campus is right next to Sarasota Airport for quick get-aways, fronts on Sarasota Bay for amphibious landings, and I’m sure the Secret Service will obligingly send someone to guard Barron from the Iranians who are seeking to burn your fat white ass, among many others. But not me, I’m 74 and so mentally unstable I don’t even own a toy gun.
BEST OF ALL, Donald, do you know what the salaries of New College graduates are? THE LOWEST OF ALL THE SCHOOLS IN THE STATE, because they’re all worthless slackers, just like me — PERFECT FOR A LIFE OF CRIME and GRIFT, LIKE YOU!
Dry those Harvard tears, send Barron to NC and he’ll follow in your footsteps, ABSOLUTELY! 8647, 8647.
After watching the utterly humiliating spectacle of the first and second elected officials of the U.S.A. — Dumpty-Trumpty and Shady Jay-Dee, if you weren’t clear — acting like mid-level Mafia bosses putting the squeeze on some two-bit hood named Zelenskyy, the commentator Keith Olberman, who hosts the podcast Countdown, was really angry! He cursed the Deplorable Duo up one side and down the other for the pettiness, their meanness, and their fondness for mass murdering autocrats who enslave their people. And in all 28 minutes of this, toward the end, Olberman made a comment that reached out of the flat screen display and SLAPPED ME UPSIDE THE HEAD! This is it:
“Burn in Hell, Trump! I’d say the same to J.D. Vance, but I suspect he’s realized he’s already burning in Hell. HE WORKS FOR TRUMP!”
(CULINARY NOTE: Were you as puzzled as I was by the huge, obnoxious grease stain on the yellow Oval Office couch, next to Secretary of Defense Peter “Cottontail” Heggseth, in Trump’s shameful meeting with Zelenskyy on Friday? Well, scientists who analyzed the stain say that’s all that’s left of former U.S. Senator Marco Rubio (RRR-FL)! Once the least-voting resident of the Senate Chamber, who delighted in taking overseas junkets almost as much as Texas Sen. Teddy “Bare Bear” Cruz, Rubio somehow — rolling dice? Rock, paper, scissors? A tarot card reading? — got elected chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee, which is kind of funny if you think about it. Because he’s got about the intelligence of a castrated bull. Sort of an ox-y moron! When HE was running for president, Rubio, a child of Cuban boat immigrants who put their dry feet in Miami, rightly lambasted Trump on a variety of issues, among them being close to Vlad the Impaler — excuse me, same guy, wrong century! But when Herr Drumpf won the primary, Rubio was at the head of the line to kiss His Royal Heinieness’s Ass, and got the coveted Secretary of State position! But, unlike J.D Vance, Rubio had a lower melting point, and it was apparently exceeded by the heat in the Oval Office while the two Elected Bullies were trying to turn up the heat on Zelenskyy, who, WARNED IN ADVCANCE by other European leaders, had apparently donned asbestos underwear as a precautionary measure. Smart move, Volodomyr!) SLAVA UKRAINE!
AI generated image to my specs, third try. Vance looks a little too Old Testament, but aside from that I think this captures Shady’s current career ladder rather well! Problem is, on that particular ladder he’s NOT ASCENDING… and funny thing, the further down he goes, the hotter the rungs get!
Yet another letter to our… king, I guess. He could be… McBeth? Where are the three wise women, and their coven of naked hag witches, when you NEED them? But even without them, I saw magic, bravery, and some utterly contemptuous behavior today. Here’s a letter I just sent to #45-47, AGAIN! He’s already in the whale shit that collects at the bottom of the Marianas Trench, so how much lower can he sink? STAY TUNED! (NOTE: The White House imposes a 4K limit on characters, and I have used ALL of mine!)
Photo: Saul Loeb, AFP. Body Language: Ukrainian!
Donald Dumpster Fire,
Wow, what a surprise I had today! I heard that you and Shady — you know, your Veep? — were meeting Ukrainian President Volodomyr Zelenskyy in the Oval Office, and of course I wanted to see your warm, charming, thoughtful, humanitarian diplomacy giving encouragement, money, resources and most importantly of all, powerful, precision, long-range American weapons, to the brave ex-televison personality (just like you, only not fat!) now called upon to lead his people in a totally defensive war against a large, bloodthirsty, ruthless and better-armed opponent who, TIME AND AGAIN, has oppressed, starved and murdered his people!
I expected to see YOUR LEADERSHIP ON DISPLAY! I expected to hear YOUR COMPASSION for a nation at war! And I expected you to CONGRATULATE President Zelenskyy on the bravery of his troops, the loyalty of the Ukrainian people, the skillful deployment of the weapons we sent him, and his resolution and valor in standing firm against the oppression of a murderous criminal madman!
Photo: Associated Press — HEY! Who the hell let THEM in?
You (not Zelensky, there was just 1 Ukrainian reporter in the room, you could tell who she was because her makeup was running like Rudy Giuliani’s hair dye) must’ve had about 1K cameras in there to cover the event for posterity, but a moment after I tuned in the broadcast on one of those bleeding-heart networks I watch, SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENED!
I think my TV must have picked up an old episode of “Little Rascals” or “Leave it to Beaver,” because suddenly everything became B&W and what I was watching, changed! Now the show was of two nasty playground bullies, a fat, misshapen, ugly 6th grader named Donald and his accomplice, a 5th grader with 5 o’clock shadow named… hey, what does the J stand for in your Veep’s first name? I can’t be bothered to remember — JD, and they were harassing a tough little 4 grader named Vlodny, dressed all in black, for his lunch money!
“YOU DON’T HOLD ANY CARDS,” the lard-bucket Donnie thundered, trying but failing to sound bad-ass. “We’re not playing cards,” Vlodny said. “YOU HAVEN’T TOLD US HOW THANKFUL YOU ARE FOR TO US FOR NOT BEATING YOU UP!” JD whined, sounding like a weasel caught in a leg trap. “YEAH, AND YOU OWE US 350 BILLION, JILLION, TRILLION DOLLARS,” that lying little bastard Donald said, spitting saliva all over Vlodny’s black clothes.
[Image generated by AI. It only took 3 tries! And no apologies, this time.]
At that point, you know what I really, really wanted Vlodny to do? GET UP AND PUNCH DONALD IN THE FACE, AND BITCH-SLAP SHADY! Then leave.
But strangest of all was THE HAND UP DONNY’S BUTT, like he was a puppet! And why did it smell like borscht? And then the screen went blank.
In conclusion: Since your repeated so many of Putin’s talking points on Ukraine, I conclude that you and your whole administration are RUSSIAN OPERATIVES, doing what the Soviet Union couldn’t do with force: YOU ARE DESTROYING AMERICA FROM WITHIN!
Ye Gods, Putin must have some hella-good COMPROMAT ON YOU! I’m telling my reps in Congress to seek a 25 Amendment solution to you, and if that doesn’t work, I hope some civic-minded citizen will sacrifice him or herself to perform a 2nd Amendment solution. Not me, I’m 73, suffer 3 debilitating diseases, and don’t travel. But you do, and I hope Air Force Onecrashes in the ocean with you aboard. Shame to kill those great pilots, stewards and staff, but remembering Timothy McVay, they would be merely “COLLATERAL DAMAGE.”
I am buying a bottle of good champagne and saving it for the day you loose your office, your power, your hostility to the America my parents fought to defend, what little honor you imagined you had, your “face” (Japanese) and if it comes to that, your worthless life, LOSER!
You & JD have embarrassed me, the American government, and all our former friends and allies abroad. Although I’m an atheist, I think we should open room in Hell just for you. It could be a new theme ride at Disneyland!
Truly yours, Malcolm J. Brenner, and no, ELON CANNOT HAVE MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!
Today, inspired by current events, I sat down and wrote a slightly — OK, somewhat — sarcastic letter to our 47th president, who could use a little advice about how to handle all the difficult, complex problems swirling around him, at home and abroad. Here it is! Go forth, Donny, and sin no more! Oh, BTW — your diaper needs changing! I can smell it from here.
Unloved King Shitzfurbranez,
Ye gods, you are an unholy fuckup! Even a little schmuck like me can still give you advice, so here’s a bulleted list:
Get rid of Elon! You need him, but does he need you? NO! His net income is bigger than some countries’ GDPs! He’s bought you, but how long will it be before he runs out of Special K and gets bored? My advice: Do him on a bridge, like Teddy Kennedy did it with that little bitch Mary Jo Kopechne! You can say you dove into the frigid, swirling water dozens of times trying to rescue Musky, and emerge for the news cameras a sopping wet HERO! Once again, you, Donnybrook, WIN!
Social Security, which I depend on for a meager $1,005 a month — pardon me, I had a checkered career — is headed for insolvency, and Medicare, which keeps me from dying of treatable illness and pays for my hospital stays and doctor care, appears to be on the chopping block. Oh, the government spent too much, we can’t afford to help the POOR any more! Besides, they must’ve somehow earned their poorness, because that’s where they are, right? POOR! BUT, I have come up with an amazing solution, completely unthought-of by anyone in your cabinet, Musk Ox or extended advisory council! Want to hear it? OK, and I won’t even charge you! HERE IT IS: TAX THE MOTHERFUCKING RICH! TAX THE MOTHERFUCKING RICH! TAX THE MOTHERFUCKING RICH! TAX THE MOTHERFUCKING RICH! There! Did you get that? And let me tell you why that’s GOOD economics, GOOD for America and GOOD for YOU: because if you tax the RICH, there aren’t enough of them to form a big mob, like you did on Jan. 6, 2021, pick up pitchforks and light torches, block the exits of the White House so you can’t get out, and burn it down AROUND YOU! That’s what happens, even to kings and queens, when they try to shift the tax burden from the nobles to the peasants. The peasants BURN you ALIVE!NOTE: This is not a threat, so don’t call whatever crook you have running the Secret Service. It’s merely a historical observation. But take my advice & AGAIN, YOU WIN!
Gazans have had at least 46,000 people, 2/3 of them (30,360) women and children, killed in the recent Israeli-committed genocide. I know you don’t give shit about them, but that was state-sponsored payback for the horrifying Oct. 7, 2023 HAMAS attacks where about 1,200 Israelis were killed. Now, you say you, or we, or somebody, is going to OWN GAZA and develop it into beautiful beachfront property, like Siesta Key, Sarasota, FL, where I used to live. But NOBODY ASKED THE PALESTINIANS! Because they’re poor, and poor people don’t vote, not for you, unless they’re white and dumb! I know the Navajo (Nation) pretty well, and they were relocated by the 7th Cavalry around 1862. They tried to scrape a living out of the sorry piece of sand they were forced to live on for 3 years, then gave up and WALKED 300 MILES back to their FORMER home! So I don’t think the Gazans, who have been living in PALESTINE for centuries, if not millennia, are going to leave that easily. My solution? Most Israelis are ASHKENAZI JEWS, which means their ancestry is European! WOULDN’T IT BE EASIER TO SEND THEM BACK TO EUROPE, GIVE GAZA BACK TO THE PALESTINIANS, and shake your buddy Netanyahu’s hand as he gets on the last train out of Jerusalem? Problem solved, and again, YOU WIN, DONNY! And don’t say I’m anti-Semitic, my dad was a Jew, served with the U.S. Army Signal Corps in WW2, and was a fine man. I loved him dearly. (My mother also served, as a nurse in the Royal Air Force, but with her, not so much.) Don’t worry, I’m approaching the end! •What I said about the Navajo loving their land also applies to Ukrainians. They like their own land just fine. And if that Jewish Fascist Zelenskyy started the war, did the Russian tank commanders have compasses? I ask, because all the Russian tanks I saw (you can tell, they had Russian flags on them) WERE HEADING WEST! I know that Putin is a fellow oligarch-cum-dictator, but just drop a small nuclear weapon, say 1 KT, on the Kremlin while he’s in it! Never mind the fallout, it’s just collateral damage, after all, you will have the heartfelt thanks and prayers of every Russian (I have friends there)! And the Ukrainians can go back to what they enjoy, being servile slaves of that horrible despot Zelenskyy! AGAIN YOU WIN!
The economy still sucks, worse than under Biden! That egg for your McMuffin cost $1! FORGET IT, YOU LOSE, KING SHITZFURBRANEZ! LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, you know who will inherit your throne? Not your children, but a man named ELON! LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOERLOSERLOSERLOSER!
Most sincerely yours, Malcolm J. Brenner
P.S. — Just one question, Donald (you never did like that name, did you? What a shit your father was, to name you that!): I had to fill out a long and rather complex form to be able to send this email to the White House, and answer some personal questions to do so. BUT WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW MY BLOOD TYPE? It is, for the record, B negative, which I am. Only towards you!
But what, Donnie, can I do? IT’S IN MY BLOOD! — MJB
(Image generated by AI. All you graphic artists out there, from the bottom of my flinty, cheap little heart, I apologize! This time, AI did what I asked, and I don’t have any money to pay you, anyway. And if I offered you my daughter’s hand in marriage, her husband might object, although that’s not a sure thing, they live in San Francisco, after all. So there!)
(Originally an email to about 40 of my friends and acquaintances on Feb. 20, 2025.)
Hi, friends, fans and family, foes, fools, and frolickers, freedom-fighters and fellow-travelers,
I hope you’re doing well, or at least mostly adequate. Out of sheer, mortal desperation, I have started a fundraiser on GoFundMe, and it would mean so much if you could take a look at it! (See URL below.) How much?
The page has some pretty fair pictures of me on it, taken back when I was actually handsome, and AI didn’t write a word of it! Any help, like donating $$$ or sharing, gets me closer to my goal of not having to beg my reluctant and somewhat unpredictable relatives to save me from starvation, getting my lights or water turned off, or having to go straight for a while. Reality! What a major buzz kill, dudes! How do you cope?
I am hoping to raise $200-250 a month, which works out to $3K/year, to supplement my tiny Social Security check. (How tiny? Do you have an electron microscope?) Thanks in advance for your kindness, generosity and support! Just don’t expect the Universe to reward you for your goodwill, okay? It doesn’t work that way, and yes, it is disappointing.
The following is a slight revision of an email I sent to 34 individuals, some Pagan, a few Christian, and a handful of other religions just for luck. In short, just about everybody I know! I consider this dangerous announcement, from our seriously unhinged Commander-In-Chief (if Little Rocketman Musk hasn’t assumed that authority too) to be a warning anyone who is NOT a card-carrying Christian, to this effect:
Shut your damn pie hole about whatever weird rite it is you do, because talking about it is just as bad as doing it, and if Donald doesn’t send the IRS suits to question your religious tax exemption, maybe he’ll just send the Proud Boys to beat the snot out of you, smash whatever unholy heathen idols you think you’re worshipping, and burn your house of worship!
With that in mind, here it is:
Feb. 7, 2025
Shake the moths out of your asbestos undergarments, all you Witches, Pagans, occultists, Native Americans and followers of other obscure religions, because suddenly our notably-unreasonable sequel, TRUMP 2: MY REVENGE ON EVERYTHING!, is the only attraction at the local drive-in!
As proof I offer you this news report, filed today, Feb. 7, 2025, by Lauren Taylor of Straight Arrow News, bless her pointed little head!
Gee, I wonder who The Donald and the Reptilian who holds his leash, Emperor Elon, will appoint to decide what is “anti-Christian?” Why, that fuming, writhing cauldron of feminist sorcery, Her WitchynessPam Bondi, the U.S. Attorney General! I haven’t looked at her tack, err, TRACK record yet, but if Herr Drumpf’s other nominees are any indication, I bet she’s as highly polished as a frozen turd can get, to paraphrase the late, great Stanley Kubrick! Wonder Bread, all the way!
What, I wonder, are Pamela’s qualifications to sit in judgment on those who might be considered Anti-Christian? What a challenge! Does this mean we don’t get to enjoy the seasonal Baphomet display of the Satanic Church every Yuletide? Will the Isis-worshipping roots of the Easter Bunny be exposed? Is the Book of Revelations really a “how-to manual” for the Apocalypse, and can Ms. Bondi’s crayon connect the dots without melting?
Who can Pam enlist to help her in this noble crusade? Well, she could use a Quija board to raise the spirit of Torquemada, leader of the Spanish Inquisition, because you’re allowed to do Satanic things, as long as it’s in the Lord’s Name! You get it? There’s absolute absolution at the top, baby! And I’m sure Torquemada, or “Torky!” as he was known to close friends, could advise her.
So could the mad, unlamented pre-Revolutionary Russian monk Grigori Rasputin, who sinned mightily so he could be forgiven! (Notez-bien: Any similarity to the philosophy of Universalism, as espoused by people such as 19th-Century poet Walt Whitman, is co-incidental and unintentional!) I’m sure Cyril of Alexandria, who had Hypatia, the brilliant, Pagan woman mathematician of Alexandria, murdered horribly by a mob, then burned the great library of Alexandria, would be willing to add his two bits worth… you get my idea? The candidates will have to take a number! Their name is Legion!
As the Wiccan High Priestess Starhawk advises, “Never make your religious decisions out of fear.”
I, for one, will not go quietly, and I hope you feel the same way! Otherwise, go read an astrology column! Or a right-wing screed, or a complaint about passivity that is, itself, passive! I will continue to be what I am, a pro-dolphin evangelist (secular), an author, photographer and publisher, and do what I do. I don’t have time to be anti-Christian,
BECAUSE I’M TOO FUCKING BUSY RIGHT NOW FIGHTING FASCISM!
Thanks for being, and remaining, my friends and readers! — Malcolm J. Brenner, now and forever an iconoclast, and individualist, and a Foe of Bullies Everywhere!
(Image of Indiana Jones, or somebody who looks like him, generated on the third attempt by WordPress’s built-in AI, which is an oxymoron. Here’s what I was aiming for:)
“I came here to study the Humanities and punch Nazis, and they just cut funding for the Humanities!” — Dr. Indiana Jones, Archeologist & Tomb-Robber
Not all alligators are created equal. Nor advertising logos, either.
TO: Izod, Inc. Corporate HQ, a major sports clothing manufacturer headquartered in New York City, USA, with outlets throughout this spiral arm of the Milky Way galaxy.
Dear Sir or Madam who reads this complaint,
I’ve been meaning to send back 3 pair of “boxer briefs,” as they are known in the industry, which I made the mistake of purchasing from a Beall’s Outlet store in Port Charlotte, FL. I did not realize my mistake until I got home, opened the package and removed the first pair.
To my shock, horror and astonishment, YOU HAVE MADE THIS INTIMATE ARTICLE OF MENS’ CLOTHING WITHOUT A FLY HOLE! What a stupid inconvenience to have to pull them down, and hold them there, every damn time you want to BLEED THE freaking TOAD! (Pardonnez ma Français, si vous plait!)
Did it ever occur to your overpaid designers that, if I want to pull my underpants down, I can do so even if they have a fly hole in them? Did it ever occur to your porridge-brained bean counters that the $.005 they save by leaving out what must be an extra, minor operation, would invoke the wrath of so many men, all of them inconvenienced, like me, by what is either a colossal oversight or a very perverse design feature, possibly the displaced wrath of some woman designer who is pissed-off at men, for some reason, and wishes they would keep their bratwurst in their pants?
Like I said, I wanted to send the boxer briefs back to you, but I lost the receipt, I’m short of cash for postage right now (the Social Security check never buys as much weed as you hope it will) and I’m cheap, but thrifty too. So I think I will donate the washed boxer briefs to some local charity that collects clothing for the poor and homeless, and suffice it be to express my annoyance at the corporate You, Izod, for marketing such a thoughtfully inferior and poorly-designed garment to an unsuspecting world! Dockers are better-made and more stylish than your clothes anyway, so please rest assured this soured consumer will make it a point to avoid all your products in the future, if possible. Forever and ever, aaaaahh-mennnn!
Sincerely yours, Malcolm J. Brenner /Eyes Open Media/ malcolmbrenner.com
Malcolm J. Brenner 