TO: Izod, Inc. Corporate HQ, a major sports clothing manufacturer headquartered in New York City, USA, with outlets throughout this spiral arm of the Milky Way galaxy.
Dear Sir or Madam who reads this complaint,
I’ve been meaning to send back 3 pair of “boxer briefs,” as they are known in the industry, which I made the mistake of purchasing from a Beall’s Outlet store in Port Charlotte, FL. I did not realize my mistake until I got home, opened the package and removed the first pair.
To my shock, horror and astonishment, YOU HAVE MADE THIS INTIMATE ARTICLE OF MENS’ CLOTHING WITHOUT A FLY HOLE! What a stupid inconvenience to have to pull them down, and hold them there, every damn time you want to BLEED THE freaking TOAD! (Pardonnez ma Français, si vous plait!)
Did it ever occur to your overpaid designers that, if I want to pull my underpants down, I can do so even if they have a fly hole in them? Did it ever occur to your porridge-brained bean counters that the $.005 they save by leaving out what must be an extra, minor operation, would invoke the wrath of so many men, all of them inconvenienced, like me, by what is either a colossal oversight or a very perverse design feature, possibly the displaced wrath of some woman designer who is pissed-off at men, for some reason, and wishes they would keep their bratwurst in their pants?
Like I said, I wanted to send the boxer briefs back to you, but I lost the receipt, I’m short of cash for postage right now (the Social Security check never buys as much weed as you hope it will) and I’m cheap, but thrifty too. So I think I will donate the washed boxer briefs to some local charity that collects clothing for the poor and homeless, and suffice it be to express my annoyance at the corporate You, Izod, for marketing such a thoughtfully inferior and poorly-designed garment to an unsuspecting world! Dockers are better-made and more stylish than your clothes anyway, so please rest assured this soured consumer will make it a point to avoid all your products in the future, if possible. Forever and ever, aaaaahh-mennnn!
Sincerely yours, Malcolm J. Brenner /Eyes Open Media/ malcolmbrenner.com
Malcolm J. Brenner 
That’s a thing?! That exists, and that people expect from their clothing? The world is diverse in so many elusive ways.
Anyway, always nice to see a small update from you, even if the lack of relevance to actual alligators is disappointing.
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Restless Eyes, What planet have you been on since the 1950s? The Izod alligator has been an advertising symbol since at least then, because I remember marveling over it in my youth!
And why would the “lack of relevance to actual alligators” be disappointing to you, Restless? Alligators are not your friends! If they are smaller than 8 feet/2.5 meters, they assume you are going to eat them, and flee. If they are larger than 8 feet/2.5 meters, and approach, you may presume they are thinking about eating you! You should leave, and if you are taking pictures don’t waste the time to collapse your tripod. Just shoulder it and go! Alligators can outrun a galloping horse, over the short course!
And if you try to have a conversation with one, you will find that not only are they EXTREMELY conservative (think 230,000,000 years ago), but all they can do is bellow and grunt at each other, and I get enough of that watching the Republican dog-and-pony show during this campaign season.
Remember, THEY’RE NOT YOUR FRIENDS! A word to the wise.
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It seems my geographic location prevents me both from forming opinions about alligator-branded underwear, as well as from spending too much time staring into the alluring eyes of actual alligators and getting eaten in the process. The biggest creature I’m somewhat likely to stumble across is a boar or an European badger.
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