One Certain Thing About Trump…

Posted on by Malcolm J. Brenner

American President Donald J. Trump, 34-count convicted felon and sexual offender, glares angrily from his mug shot. Photographer: Some Fulton County, Georgia, cop!

The one certain thing you can say about President Donald Trump is that he changes his mind more often than he changes his diaper!

The Prez thinks it’s fun to have his $$-multi-billion Navy, built to battle Soviet submarines, blow up Venezuelan fishing boats on the high seas! Gee, what WAS in those white bags aboard the first boat, the one Trump said was loaded with fentanyl and Tren De Aragua drug dealers, headed for our shores? We’ll never know, but it doesn’t matter, because YOU’RE A MADE MAN NOW, Presidente El T.A.C.O!

In preparation for the 2026 mid-term elections, Trump thoughtfully sends National Guard troops into predominantly Black-run cities to maintain law and order, preserve the peace and MOST IMPORTANTLY, to keep the minorities from exercising their voting rights, STUPIDLY assured them by a damn fool WOKE Congress in 1964!

Secretary of Health RFK Jr. thinks he feels the tapeworm moving… again.

Having bravely faced down the COVID-19 virus with Operation Warp Speed in 2019, Trump appoints RFK Jr., a man with a dead pork tape worm rotting in his brain, which he got from carelessly dining in an East Indian slop house, to be Secretary of Health! RFK Jr., in turn, reports that he has finally determined the mysterious cause of autism! Trump announces it — “aceto… asseto… ackeeto… how do you pronounce that? TYLENOL!” (Note: widely disproved by actual science.)

California Gov. Newsome congratulates Steven Miller on being cast as Voldemort! He’s a dead ringer… no pun intended!

Angry gangs of masked, heavily armed thugs, fearing no retribution, roam the streets of major American cities, grabbing people, some of them innocent American citizens who happen to be slightly darker than me, some foreign nationals with protected visa status but funny-sounding last names, and force them at gunpoint into unmarked vans, then imprison them in places like Alligator Alcatraz for days without communication, only to fly them to impossibly hostile foreign countries where they don’t speak the language and are held for ransom… oh, EXCUSE ME! That’s just Immigration and Customs Enforcement (I.C.E.) agents acting on orders of Steve Miller, Voldemort look-alike and new White House Chief of Policy, trying scrape up his MANDATORY DAILY QUOTA of 3,000 “illegal criminal aliens,” the so-called “WORST OF THE WORST” (or anybody who’s not, you know, sort of white-ish) to prosecute and deport, because we all know that the Democrats just let ILLEGALS come here in droves because they always vote Lunatic Lefty!

Vitriolic Charlie Kirk got his dumb ass shot dead, so now Trump wants to canonize him as the Patron Saint of Irrational Race Hatred, Misogyny and Indifference to the Suffering of Others. MAGA endorses it! The Pope, however, doesn’t. Shame!

MEANWHILE…

CBS Comic Stephen Colbert got his show cancelled for not being nice enough to Herr Drumpf, and for calling him bad, bad — they were, really, the WORST EVER — BAD names, and now Cinderella’s fairy godmother ABC has sprinkled Disney dust on Jimmy Kimmel, and made him go bye-bye, just like El T.A.C.O. Presidenté SAID HE WOULD! Wow… self-fulfilling prophecy, or what? Meanwhile, millions of previously faithful Disney viewers have cancelled their channel subscriptions, upset that the most powerful entertainment complex in the whole world is puckering up to KISS TRUMP’S ASS, costing Disney $$ millions! Unexpected consequences, Walt?

Pam Bondi, a fake blonde with fake brains but a huge loyalty to Herr Drumpf, receives an email from Da Prez, exhorting her to speed up the imprisonment of LIBERALS, ANY LIBERALS, she can dream up charges against! Especially the ones that really hurt him bad a decade ago, that he’s NEVER gotten over, like Hillary! Hunter! Schumer! Comey! Barr! Biden! Bolton! And the millions of deluded American voters who still believe the Demon-Rats Big Lie that TRUMP LOST THE 2020 ELECTION, so he just HAD to sic his mob of vicious, cop-beating deplorables on the Capitol, making every Republican in Congress who had previously supported him run like a scared chicken to the basement bomb shelter, after which they all denounced him… THEN, two weeks later, KISSED HIS ASS!

THIS JUST IN: Israeli bombs continue to fall on innocent Palestinians in Gaza, 65,000, mostly women and children, now dead. America announces $6 billion arms deal with the IDF! Keep the ordnance coming, Prez, and the Military-Industrial Complex will continue to support you! Precise but indiscriminate Russian cruise missiles kill children, soldiers and the elderly alike in Ukraine, while Trump diddles with Putin, granting him extensions during which he will murder more Ukrainians, and maybe some Poles or Moldovans, too, just for the heck of it!

…AND NOW PASSING THE ORBIT OF JUPITER, A HUGE… NOT COMET, NOT ASTEROID OR METEOR, NOT A BIRD, NOT A PLANE, NOT EVEN SUPERMAN, BUT SOMETHING… WEIRD, ANCIENT, POSSIBLY ARTIFICIAL AND GLOWING LIKE AN H.I.D. HEADLIGHT IS HEADED TOWARD THE INNER SOLAR SYSTEM, WHERE IT WILL SURVEY MARS, VENUS AND JUPITER! BUT EARTH WILL NOT BE IGNORED… FOR THIS IS THE ONE THING PRESIDENT BONE SPURS FEARS MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE!

Coming soon to a drive-in near you:

THE RETURN OF COMET EPSTEIN!

It keeps coming back, over and over again! Why won’t it go away and leave poor Donald alone? Why can’t he make anyone look away at the many distractions he offers us, his loyal legions of MAGA followers? Are there any astrologers left over from the Reagan Administration around the White House? Surely this is a bad omen!

“I’M NOT DEAD YET!” — Mary, Queen of Scots, according to Monty Python. Godz bless you all, my brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles (except weird Uncle Albert whom we don’t talk about any more), and may Fortuna turn her bright and provident face upon you… and not let you see her break out laughing! Until next time, VIVE LA REVOLUTION!

© Text 2025 Malcolm J. Brenner. Rights to images belong to the photographers, cartoonists or their agencies.

Unsolicited Advice, to a Brute, to be Ignored…

Posted on by Malcolm J. Brenner

Today, inspired by current events, I sat down and wrote a slightly — OK, somewhat — sarcastic letter to our 47th president, who could use a little advice about how to handle all the difficult, complex problems swirling around him, at home and abroad. Here it is! Go forth, Donny, and sin no more! Oh, BTW — your diaper needs changing! I can smell it from here.

Unloved King Shitzfurbranez,

Ye gods, you are an unholy fuckup! Even a little schmuck like me can still give you advice, so here’s a bulleted list:

  • Get rid of Elon! You need him, but does he need you? NO! His net income is bigger than some countries’ GDPs! He’s bought you, but how long will it be before he runs out of Special K and gets bored? My advice: Do him on a bridge, like Teddy Kennedy did it with that little bitch Mary Jo Kopechne! You can say you dove into the frigid, swirling water dozens of times trying to rescue Musky, and emerge for the news cameras a sopping wet HERO! Once again, you, Donnybrook, WIN!
  • Social Security, which I depend on for a meager $1,005 a month — pardon me, I had a checkered career — is headed for insolvency, and Medicare, which keeps me from dying of treatable illness and pays for my hospital stays and doctor care, appears to be on the chopping block. Oh, the government spent too much, we can’t afford to help the POOR any more! Besides, they must’ve somehow earned their poorness, because that’s where they are, right? POOR! BUT, I have come up with an amazing solution, completely unthought-of by anyone in your cabinet, Musk Ox or extended advisory council! Want to hear it? OK, and I won’t even charge you! HERE IT IS:
    TAX THE MOTHERFUCKING RICH!
    TAX THE MOTHERFUCKING RICH!
    TAX THE MOTHERFUCKING RICH!
    TAX THE MOTHERFUCKING RICH!
    There! Did you get that? And let me tell you why that’s GOOD economics, GOOD for America and GOOD for YOU: because if you tax the RICH, there aren’t enough of them to form a big mob, like you did on Jan. 6, 2021, pick up pitchforks and light torches, block the exits of the White House so you can’t get out, and burn it down AROUND YOU! That’s what happens, even to kings and queens, when they try to shift the tax burden from the nobles to the peasants. The peasants BURN you ALIVE! NOTE: This is not a threat, so don’t call whatever crook you have running the Secret Service. It’s merely a historical observation. But take my advice & AGAIN, YOU WIN!
  • Gazans have had at least 46,000 people, 2/3 of them (30,360) women and children, killed in the recent Israeli-committed genocide. I know you don’t give shit about them, but that was state-sponsored payback for the horrifying Oct. 7, 2023 HAMAS attacks where about 1,200 Israelis were killed. Now, you say you, or we, or somebody, is going to OWN GAZA and develop it into beautiful beachfront property, like Siesta Key, Sarasota, FL, where I used to live. But NOBODY ASKED THE PALESTINIANS! Because they’re poor, and poor people don’t vote, not for you, unless they’re white and dumb! I know the Navajo (Nation) pretty well, and they were relocated by the 7th Cavalry around 1862. They tried to scrape a living out of the sorry piece of sand they were forced to live on for 3 years, then gave up and WALKED 300 MILES back to their FORMER home! So I don’t think the Gazans, who have been living in PALESTINE for centuries, if not millennia, are going to leave that easily. My solution? Most Israelis are ASHKENAZI JEWS, which means their ancestry is European! WOULDN’T IT BE EASIER TO SEND THEM BACK TO EUROPE, GIVE GAZA BACK TO THE PALESTINIANS, and shake your buddy Netanyahu’s hand as he gets on the last train out of Jerusalem? Problem solved, and again, YOU WIN, DONNY! And don’t say I’m anti-Semitic, my dad was a Jew, served with the U.S. Army Signal Corps in WW2, and was a fine man. I loved him dearly. (My mother also served, as a nurse in the Royal Air Force, but with her, not so much.)
    Don’t worry, I’m approaching the end!
    •What I said about the Navajo loving their land also applies to Ukrainians. They like their own land just fine. And if that Jewish Fascist Zelenskyy started the war, did the Russian tank commanders have compasses? I ask, because all the Russian tanks I saw (you can tell, they had Russian flags on them) WERE HEADING WEST! I know that Putin is a fellow oligarch-cum-dictator, but just drop a small nuclear weapon, say 1 KT, on the Kremlin while he’s in it! Never mind the fallout, it’s just collateral damage, after all, you will have the heartfelt thanks and prayers of every Russian (I have friends there)! And the Ukrainians can go back to what they enjoy, being servile slaves of that horrible despot Zelenskyy! AGAIN YOU WIN!
  • The economy still sucks, worse than under Biden! That egg for your McMuffin cost $1! FORGET IT, YOU LOSE, KING SHITZFURBRANEZ! LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, you know who will inherit your throne? Not your children, but a man named ELON! LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOERLOSERLOSERLOSER!

Most sincerely yours, Malcolm J. Brenner

P.S. — Just one question, Donald (you never did like that name, did you? What a shit your father was, to name you that!): I had to fill out a long and rather complex form to be able to send this email to the White House, and answer some personal questions to do so. BUT WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW MY BLOOD TYPE? It is, for the record, B negative, which I am. Only towards you!

But what, Donnie, can I do? IT’S IN MY BLOOD! — MJB

(Image generated by AI. All you graphic artists out there, from the bottom of my flinty, cheap little heart, I apologize! This time, AI did what I asked, and I don’t have any money to pay you, anyway. And if I offered you my daughter’s hand in marriage, her husband might object, although that’s not a sure thing, they live in San Francisco, after all. So there!)