found footage

Brooke Rollins, Secretary of Agriculture under King Donald the Last.

The following email, apparently from the late author Malcolm J. Brenner, was found on the computer of Dr. Randall Wells, co-founder and director of the Sarasota Dolphin Research Program.

Dear Randy,

It’s been a while since we’ve corresponded, but in my ramblings in dark, dank corners of the Interweb, where even the brave dare not go but fools like me rush in, I found something is pending in the government of which I MUST make you, and hopefully through you every marine mammalogist and cognitive psychologist in the business, AWARE OF!

This shocking revelation will rattle dolphinology to its muddy, mucky foundations!

I have it on deep, deep — VERY deep! — background, from utterly trustworthy, irrefutable sources which must remain anonymous due to threats to their security — that Trump’s appointee to run the Department of Agriculture, Brooke Rollins, has decided that all the creatures hitherto known as Cetaceans are now going to be re-classified as Fish! And the scientific community, eager to keep their grants going, is apparently falling into line behind her! This in keeping with presidential re-naming the Gulf of Mexico (America), the Department of Defense (War), right and wrong, hot and cold, day and night, etc.

Justifying this radical decision, Ms. Rollins cited the great American author Herman Melville, who declared it so in his Moby Dick. “Melville lived among cannibals so he could write this book,” Ms Rollins said. (She didn’t mention that he jumped off a whaling ship to live among the cannibals, and said he preferred their company to that of whalers!)

And if I remember the abridged version of that novel which I read at our beloved alma mater Riverview HS, Melville IS of the opinion that the whale IS a fish, and damn all those long-haired scientists who maintain that since it has lungs, breathes air, is warm-blooded, bears live young and suckles them, it’s a mammal! They’ve had their noses in erudite books all their lives, whereas Melville had his nose stuck in the guts of a whale, and if Melville said it, Trump & Ms. Rollins believe it, and THAT SETTLES IT!

I sincerely hope this doesn’t disturb you too much, but there’s more. I could tell you, but then something might… just a second, someone’s at the door… BRB…

i8t8yvfuyt98uy-polm’;lk[]o=-p[l,.;lpnh97tr58fvikjn[io-=0808hiutg7653ews5dxcrtf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAARGH!

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Thank you very much, Dr. Wells, for all you’ve done for those creatures formerly known as marine mammals. It’s been nice meeting you, even under such misfortunate circumstances as have apparently occurred to Mr. Brenner. It seems his iMac (! Was he asking for trouble or what?) burst into flames, consuming him, all his computer files, his residence, and all remaining copies of his works.

Let me assure you, ATF will conduct a full and thorough investigation into this matter and find the culprit, even unto the ends of the Earth! One theory, that Mr. Brenner was trying to run Windows on a Mac, has been discredited by members of his family. “Malcolm would never be THAT stupid,” they said, on guarantee of remaining deep background. (We trust you, so their names are Sally and Hugh.)

Peace be with you and the Chicago Zoological Society, Dr. Wells! Let me re-assure you, just go along with the reclassification of dolphins as fish, and all will be well for you and the Santaroga Dolphin Rehabilitation Project!

Sincerely yours, Ms. Brooke Rollins, Secretary of Agriculture and modern embodiment of the Goddess Ceres.

(Note: Dr. Wells’ mysterious disappearance is attributed to his reported abduction by a pod of dolphins after he fell out of his survey boat, their motives a total mystery. The search continues.)

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