AmericanPresident Donald J. Trump, 34-count convicted felon and sexual offender, glares angrily from his mug shot. Photographer: Some Fulton County, Georgia, cop!
The one certain thing you can say about President Donald Trump is that he changes his mind more often than he changes his diaper!
The Prez thinks it’s fun to have his $$-multi-billion Navy, built to battle Soviet submarines, blow up Venezuelan fishing boats on the high seas! Gee, what WAS in those white bags aboard the first boat, the one Trump said was loaded with fentanyl and Tren De Aragua drug dealers, headed for our shores? We’ll never know, but it doesn’t matter, because YOU’RE A MADE MAN NOW, Presidente El T.A.C.O!
In preparation for the 2026 mid-term elections, Trump thoughtfully sends National Guard troops into predominantly Black-run cities to maintain law and order, preserve the peace and MOST IMPORTANTLY, to keep the minorities from exercising their voting rights, STUPIDLY assured them by a damn fool WOKE Congress in 1964!
Secretary of Health RFK Jr. thinks he feels the tapeworm moving… again.
Having bravely faced down the COVID-19 virus with Operation Warp Speed in 2019, Trump appoints RFK Jr., a man with a dead pork tape worm rotting in his brain, which he got from carelessly dining in an East Indian slop house, to be Secretary of Health! RFK Jr., in turn, reports that he has finally determined the mysterious cause of autism! Trump announces it — “aceto… asseto… ackeeto… how do you pronounce that? TYLENOL!” (Note: widely disproved by actual science.)
California Gov. Newsome congratulates Steven Miller on being cast as Voldemort! He’s a dead ringer… no pun intended!
Angry gangs of masked, heavily armed thugs, fearing no retribution, roam the streets of major American cities, grabbing people, some of them innocent American citizens who happen to be slightly darker than me, some foreign nationals with protected visa status but funny-sounding last names, and force them at gunpoint into unmarked vans, then imprison them in places like Alligator Alcatraz for days without communication, only to fly them to impossibly hostile foreign countries where they don’t speak the language and are held for ransom… oh, EXCUSE ME! That’s just Immigration and Customs Enforcement (I.C.E.) agents acting on orders of Steve Miller, Voldemort look-alike and new White House Chief of Policy, trying scrape up his MANDATORY DAILY QUOTA of 3,000 “illegal criminal aliens,” the so-called “WORST OF THE WORST” (or anybody who’s not, you know, sort of white-ish) to prosecute and deport, because we all know that the Democrats just let ILLEGALS come here in droves because they always vote Lunatic Lefty!
Vitriolic Charlie Kirk got his dumb ass shot dead, so now Trump wants to canonize him as the Patron Saint of Irrational Race Hatred, Misogyny and Indifference to the Suffering of Others. MAGA endorses it! The Pope, however, doesn’t. Shame!
MEANWHILE…
CBS Comic Stephen Colbert got his show cancelled for not being nice enough to Herr Drumpf, and for calling him bad, bad — they were, really, the WORST EVER — BAD names, and now Cinderella’s fairy godmother ABC has sprinkled Disney dust on Jimmy Kimmel, and made him go bye-bye, just like El T.A.C.O. Presidenté SAID HE WOULD! Wow… self-fulfilling prophecy, or what? Meanwhile, millions of previously faithful Disney viewers have cancelled their channel subscriptions, upset that the most powerful entertainment complex in the whole world is puckering up to KISS TRUMP’S ASS, costing Disney $$ millions! Unexpected consequences, Walt?
Pam Bondi, a fake blonde with fake brains but a huge loyalty to Herr Drumpf, receives an email from Da Prez, exhorting her to speed up the imprisonment of LIBERALS, ANY LIBERALS, she can dream up charges against! Especially the ones that really hurt him bad a decade ago, that he’s NEVER gotten over, like Hillary! Hunter! Schumer! Comey! Barr! Biden! Bolton! And the millions of deluded American voters who still believe the Demon-Rats Big Lie that TRUMP LOST THE 2020 ELECTION, so he just HAD to sic his mob of vicious, cop-beating deplorables on the Capitol, making every Republican in Congress who had previously supported him run like a scared chicken to the basement bomb shelter, after which they all denounced him… THEN, two weeks later, KISSED HIS ASS!
THIS JUST IN: Israeli bombs continue to fall on innocent Palestinians in Gaza, 65,000, mostly women and children, now dead. America announces $6 billion arms deal with the IDF! Keep the ordnance coming, Prez, and the Military-Industrial Complex will continue to support you! Precise but indiscriminate Russian cruise missiles kill children, soldiers and the elderly alike in Ukraine, while Trump diddles with Putin, granting him extensions during which he will murder more Ukrainians, and maybe some Poles or Moldovans, too, just for the heck of it!
…AND NOW PASSING THE ORBIT OF JUPITER, A HUGE… NOT COMET, NOT ASTEROID OR METEOR, NOT A BIRD, NOT A PLANE, NOT EVEN SUPERMAN, BUT SOMETHING…WEIRD, ANCIENT, POSSIBLY ARTIFICIAL AND GLOWING LIKE AN H.I.D. HEADLIGHT IS HEADED TOWARD THE INNER SOLAR SYSTEM, WHERE IT WILL SURVEY MARS, VENUS AND JUPITER! BUT EARTH WILL NOT BE IGNORED… FOR THIS IS THE ONE THING PRESIDENT BONE SPURS FEARS MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE!
Coming soon to a drive-in near you:
THE RETURN OF COMET EPSTEIN!
It keeps coming back, over and over again! Why won’t it go away and leave poor Donald alone? Why can’t he make anyone look away at the many distractions he offers us, his loyal legions of MAGA followers?Are there any astrologers left over from the Reagan Administration around the White House?Surely this is a bad omen!
“I’M NOT DEAD YET!” — Mary, Queen of Scots, according to Monty Python. Godz bless you all, my brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles (except weird Uncle Albert whom we don’t talk about any more), and may Fortuna turn her bright and provident face upon you… and not let you see her break out laughing! Until next time, VIVE LA REVOLUTION!
“Hector,” a MAGA person, at work in the author’s bathroom.
I didn’t know, or care, who Charlie Kirk was until Tuesday afternoon, Sept. 9, 2025. I had just given myself a shot of Dupixent (for my skin condition), and was flipping through some YouTube videos when I came across a whole bunch of people fleeing a campus somewhere in Utah. The headline said somebody named Charlie Kirk, apparently another repulsive conservative firebrand, had just been shot in the neck by an apparent sharpshooter some 175 yards away, which is a pretty good shot, IMHO. And I don’t shoot anything — except pictures.
So another conservative asshole (real Republicans, like Barry Goldwater or William F. Buckley, having gone extinct when MAGA replaced them) preaching racism, sexism, religious intolerance and other SHIT, PURE UNADULTERATED BULLSHIT, to the delightfully uneducated, according to Herr Drumpf. Good riddance! Why should I care?
And then, a thought struck me rather hard: What are the conservative podcasters saying?
And then, a thought struck me rather hard: What are conservative commentators saying?
I watched about five of them, and they were all saying the same thing: “WE ARE NOW AT WAR WITH THE LIBERALS! CHARLIE, OUR BELOVED LI’L CHARLIE, WAS OBVIOUSLY ASSASSINATED BY A WOKE, LEFT-WINGLIBERALLUNATIC SPOUTING TRANSEXUALDOGMA! ALL LIBERALS DESERVE TO DIE!!!”
Well! That sure got my attention! Especially when El Presidente T.A.C.O. added his stamp of official outrage to the overflowing hate blender! https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Sa_Cp9fwBoc
Let me tell you, after that I was quaking in my boots, size 8-1/2 waffle stompers! But what could I, one lonely, radical democratic socialist-futurist zoophile do to “lower the temperature,” as the politicos put it, other than turn down the thermostat on my new central air conditioner and handler, installed after a year of sweltering heat by Charlotte County Human Services, Family Services Center? How could I, a specialist in public relations, use my talents to get the message out that I, and other liberals, didn’t kill Charlie Kirk, had no plans to do so, and were now being blamed for his murder with absolutely no proof except that most liberal commentators had called him on his Krakatoa of pure hatred, intolerance and bullshit?
I’ll let you in on a little secret: I know a MAGA! And we were, for a while, kinda, sorta, friendly. For a while.
I didn’t realize this guy was a slavering MAGA type at first, he seemed almost normal. He owns two houses, one out near where I used to live, in a trailer on Swaying Palm Drive in Punta Gorda. As a matter of fact, he and my friend Dave are next-door neighbors! And then he built, and owns, and usually stays at, a house on the block behind me. I don’t want to identify him, so I’ll just call him Hector, which I assure you is not his name and never has been.
My knowledge of Hector was casual, until about 6 months ago, when a couple of conversations revealed the depth of his dexterous (meaning right-handed) political affiliations. That was a strike against him. On the plus side, Hector, who made his living giving totally upfront massages (you have to be licensed in Florida) and small home repairs, could provide me with trips to the nearest store when it was too hot outside to ride my tricycle. He also was a bed-time stoner, who smoked pot only because (he claimed) it helped him get to sleep. Me, I smoke pot to stay awake, but whatever, Hector proved to be a rather generous fellow who didn’t mind loaning me a little money now and then to replenish my, and his, stash. Although we had a couple of rather strident arguments about politics, we both managed by mutual consent to mostly stay away from that topic, so I found it a rather convenient relationship, from my point of view. And my strident defense of liberalism, the validity of the press at large, and equal rights for all was at least being heard — but sometimes it just amused Hector no end, and once he laughed in my face. I left immediately, but I was steamed.
At that point, I told him, “You can own me, or we can be friends. Which is it?” And it seemed like he chose to be friends. And everything was daffodils and unicorns between me and Hector… until dumb old Charlie Kirk got himself killed, just as he was answering a question about gun violence in America (Kirk being of the distinctly minority opinion that a few mass shootings every now and then are a small, and worthwhile, price to pay for the 2nd Amendment!).
So what follows is a text conversation I had with Hector the day Kirk was shot. I am presenting it as it went, without editing or editorializing. I think every word, both Hector’s and mine, speak clearly for our differences in opinions and values. We were raised very differently (hell, my raising was different from just about EVERYBODY ELSE), and we have different life experiences and different ways of confronting stress and solving our problems. What I think Hector’s responses make clear is his existence in a bubble where there is only one reliable news source: THE WHITE HOUSE! They inform Faux News, which repeats it into the echo chamber of the right-wing Blog-O-Sphere, which reiterates slight truths, half-truths and damnable falsehoods with equal vigor and certitude! So here it is, my last attempt a a sane, sober and rational conversation with a MAGA cultist… because that’s what they are. The conversation begins in the afternoon, while Hector was out at a massage, and picks up there.
Me, Thursday 9:01 a.m. Good morning. I just wanted to let you know, I didn’t shoot Charley (sic) Kirk!
Me, 2:28 p.m., after watching more videos: Charlie.
Me, 4:34 p.m. Hey, give me a call when you’re home? I find Kirk’s murder very disturbing, and what’s being said about it, even more disturbing.
Hector, 5:41 p.m. I am home. And yes the whole thing from the beginning to the end is disturbing and I cannot believe that anybody connected with any of these people would maintain any kind of a friendship they are absolute ghouls and have no respect for anybody’s life because you disagree with what they’re saying!!!!! The Democratic party has turned out to be the party of death and destruction, chaos and barbarism and they think somebody who is a father and a husband who just got murdered is a feather in their hat there’s a lot of mental health in that group and the Democrats have done nothing but encourage it!!! Everyone that isn’t any position of power in the Democratic party has called Donald Trump a Hitler, a fascist, a racist, a communist and at this point I want Donald Trump to designate the Democratic party as a terror group!!!! One person and only one person died at the Capitol that was spurred on by Nancy pelosi who actually admitted she was ultimately responsible for that Trump had called for the national guard the day before and she refused to do it. The one person who died was shot by a capital police man who wasn’t identified until 2 years later the person he shot and killed was Ashley Bobbitt but the Democratic party just keeps repeating the lies that they know are lies and stirring up the retarded people who will do their bidding for them. The conservatives are at a turning point and we’re on the edge of a civil war and it won’t be the north against the South it will be neighbor against neighbor based solely on what they believe. Has the saying goes it’s not all of them but it’s always them!!
And yes I am pissed he was a good man and people laugh about this and encourage more of this behavior!
I cannot think of one time where there was a MAGA Mass shooter the liberals seem to prop up all of their mentally ill retards and have them do their dirty work and say “It’s because of MAGA”
You’re (sic) idiot leaders thin that men stand for trans women and men can menstruate and men can get pregnant! They didn’t kill him for his hate preach they killed him for speech and they hated!
Me, in reply: Hector, I’m a Democrat, and what you are hearing about Democrats is doing what President Trump intended it to do: making you mad at somebody, when we don’t even know what political persuasion the shooter was or who he was. Most of the shooters at President Trump if you remember or (sic) Republicans. Who did not agree with him over something. my life and my job when I had one were devoted to freedom of speech. I don’t believe in killing people because you don’t like their ideas, I believe in putting forth better ideas in better language. So please calm down and let’s talk about this if we can?
Do you remember Donald Trump saying he could shoot somebody on fifth Avenue and not get arrested for it? Remembering to pay the lawyer’s bills of people at his rallies who beat up protesters? The Democrats have not been the source of the violence here Hector. It was not Mitch McConnell’s wife who got hit over the head with a hammer, but Nancy Pelosi’s husband.
Hector, in reply: (REPEATS FIRST TWO PARAGRAPHS, ABOVE.)
Me, in reply: But, you are responding exactly the way Trump wants you to. So if you believe that’s a good thing, more power to you. I don’t. Because it frightens me to be accused of something I never did, never felt, and don’t believe in.
Hector, in reply: The Democrats were the first ones to center speech using the internet and the FBI went to Mark Zuckerberg and told them what could be allowed to be said and what not to be said pretty much anything that somebody who was a conservative was silenced from day one of Joe biden’s sad presidency
Me, in reply: I had absolutely no idea who Charlie Kirk was or what he stood for until yesterday afternoon.
Hector, in reply: (REPEATS THIRD PARAGRAPH, ABOVE.)
Trump has no influence on how I feel it’s called the difference between right and wrong Charlie Kirk was executed and murdered and yesterday they started dancing on his grave and making fun of him if I was a Democrat I would dis associate myself from that
(REPEATS FOURTH PARAGRAPH, ABOVE.)
Me, in reply: Untrue. Zuckerberg has loosened his standards because conservatives claim they were being censored! Do they own social media? Zuckerberg does, and as the owner, you can post whatever he wants up there. Total untruths if he wants them. He chose to publish a lot of information or to allow others to publish the information. I shouldn’t say that was profoundly negative about Trump. And conservatives didn’t like it. And they basically forced Zuckerberg who you remember was standing behind Trump at his inauguration to give them a platform to spread their “news,” which is product predominantly half truth and hate.
All the Democrats I have heard have publicly expressed shock and outrage at this murder! Democrats as a party have long stood for freedom of speech, even unpopular speech because unpopular speech is the most important kind.
If you could name any of the sites or tell me what sites have shown Democrats making fun of this or trivializing it or using it as a political weapon please tell me because I would like to see who is doing this. It would outrage me too if I knew that some Democrats were doing it because I’ve heard just the oppositefrom people I trust in the news.
In the conservative commentary, I have heard about this. I haven’t heard any Democrats making fun of it laughing at it trivializing it or using it as a political weapon. I’ve heard lots of Republicans condemning Democrats and saying that we are now at war with Democrats because they think a Democrat did this and I say hold on! Hold on! We Democrats are beginning to sound a lot like the Jews of Nazi Germany and that makes me very, very frightened.
Hector, in reply: You have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about you’re just another Democratic zombie whatever the party says that’s what you believe I was outside painting a house and it was all unfolding when they de platformed Trump that’s why he created truth social and that was on and that was on… Unfortunately I do not remember the name of that platform anymore. But I can tell you you’re absolutely wrong the FBI went to Mark Zuckerberg and later on he had to admit that they had done that!
Me, in reply: Please site (sic) a new story I can read about it? Who did Z admit it to?
Hector, in reply: No the Democrats are sounding exactly like Hitler in Nazi Germany it was just like the movie 1984 with the ministry of Truth. (NOTE: Hector and I watched several feature films together, and the 1950’s British production of Orwell’s 1984,which he’d heard of but never seen nor read the book, was the next to last one. The last one? Kubrick’s Paths of Glory.)
Me, in reply: The Democrats are not in power, my friend.
Hector, in reply: He admitted that the FBI had come to him and asked him forcefully to (remove from? — MJB) the platform Trump and any Trump supporters
Me, in reply: Source?
Hector, in reply: I’m not saying anybody that I know can control these morons but you have to at least see that it’s their rhetoric that is causing all of these problems!
I will Google that.
Me, in reply: I don’t, sadly. Not with my president declaring war on my political party, NO.
And they aren’t morons, they’re people just like you except they have different ideas about what makes America great.
The only thing that matters to me about what Trump says is that you’re swallowing it whole. Again, you swallow camels, and choke on gnats. You need to stop & think carefully about what you are saying.
Hector, in reply: You have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about you’re just another Democratic zombie whatever the party says that’s what you believe I was outside painting a house and it was all unfolding when they de platformed Trump that’s why he created truth social and that was on and that was on… Unfortunately I do not remember the name of that platform anymore. But I can tell you you’re absolutely wrong the FBI went to Mark Zuckerberg and later on he had to admit that they had done that!
No the Democrats are sounding exactly like Hitler in Nazi Germany it was just like the movie 1984 with the ministry of Truth.
He admitted that the FBI had come to him and asked him forcefully to the platform Trump and any Trump supporters
(NOTE: It was only while reformatting this conversation for the Web that I realized Hector is repeating the same words, phrases and paragraphs many times! This makes his argument seem longer than it really is, but it also makes him seem like a photocopy machine, and I wonder what was going through his head! Did he think he could bludgeon me with his rants if he repeated them often enough?)
Me, in reply: Democrats don’t time-travel, either. And if Donald Trump worked for the FBI to expose Epstein, there should be a dossier of everything that he discovered so let’s see it? Where is it? Why isn’t he being celebrated for exposing a pedophile? Oh, he didn’t expose a pedophile. My bad!
Hector, in reply: I’m not saying anybody that I know can control these morons but you have to at least see that it’s their rhetoric that is causing all of these problems!
I will Google that.
Me, in reply: Think hard before you speak, Hector. Remember, RU-TV (the government-controlled Russian TV network) happily reported Russian foreign minister Sergei Lavrov cheerfully announced that Tulsi Gabbard are now working for them, but I’ve never gotten any checks from Moscow.
Hector, in reply: It was Twitter not Google or Facebook and they’re not people like me I certainly wouldn’t put myself in a position where I would go to jail for anything for anybody
Me, in reply: Tulsi & Trump, in fact.
I wouldn’t call Twitter, a reliable source for any news at all.
Hector, not repeating himself: Once again they cheerfully report their narrative. But Facebook did cover up the hunter Biden laptop that happened to come up when I was looking up the other thing
Trump hasn’t really said anything controversial at all since Charlie Kirk got shot
Me, in reply: So which Democrat is making fun of CK’s murder? Hubs (Hunter Biden’s) laptop is a very dead issue, as his dad isn’t president anymore.
But, he can still live rent free in Trump’s head! And have you seen his face today? It looks like he’s had a stroke which is affected the right side of his face. My mother had these strokes, and I recognize the expression.
The only people Trump can forgive for committing actual crimes are the 1500 who attacked the capital (sic) building on January 6. They’re the only ones who have ever had anything resembling sympathy from him and a lot of of them, I hear, have been re-arrested for various crimes. Not a great argument for their virtue. And remember, they were ready to hang Mike Pence for the simple reason that he disagreed with Trump. Hang Mike Pence. Hang Mike Pence! Think about it. Think about it.
Hector, in reply: It was Twitter not Google or Facebook and they’re not people like me I certainly wouldn’t put myself in a position where I would go to jail for anything for anybody
(This is getting creepy! I don’t believe this file on my computer has been tampered with, the idea is pretty absurd, but I don’t remember this much sheer repetition in Hector’s messages when I was reading them the first time! The content seems to have been replaced, but I was emotionally wrought and may not be remembering them clearly. I am not putting any words into Hector’s mouth, just copying and pasting the conversation from what is in my Messages folder.)
Me, in reply: And remember all those Republicans you were so upset after the attack on the capital building? They fell right into line and kissed Trump’s ass at the first available opportunity because they were scared that they would lose their six figure jobs and all their perks if they lost an election and then they’d have to do some honest work. Which doesn’t seem to suit conservatives well at all. They prefer to make their money off people like you and me working hard for them. Don’t you see?
Hector, in reply: Once again they cheerfully report their narrative. But Facebook did cover up the hunter Biden laptop that happened to come up when I was looking up the other thing
Trump hasn’t really said anything controversial at all since Charlie Kirk got shot
The Democrats have had the Epstein files for 4 years or so if there was anything in there about Donald Trump it would have been exposed. Look up the moment of silence for Charlie Kirk which turns into a shouting match on the house floor, that’s pretty disgusting (I did, CK got his moment of silence without interruption. Afterward, some Congresswoman began shouting what an ass he was, but she was just telling the truth. Causing minor disorder on the floor of Congress, guilty.)
And yes there were some people there at the Capitol that did commit crimes but there were a lot of people there who are ushered in by the capital police it had nothing to do with that riot and they got their lives ruined
Me, in reply: You’re assuming that the Democrats have the same values as the Republican Party/MAGA, which they don’t. Epstein was dead. Maxwell was in jail and Biden probably had more pressing problems to deal with at the time. Like the war in Ukraine. Or Israel bombing Gaza to smithereens. Little things like that. Besides it’s been the Republicans who have been chanting about the Epstein files because they thought a lot of Democrats would get swept up in them. Surprise! The leopard eats your face too!
You again believe a lie. Have you ever watched the whole thing? The whole riot? Those people were enraged as they marched towards the capital and the capital police tried their hardest to stop them and they got beaten and crushed and bear sprayed for their efforts two of them I believe died And the story that they were just there to see the capital is frankly bullshit, Dave, bullshit bullshit, bullshit. And I’m surprised that a smart guy like you can be easily made to believe so much bullshit.
Why is that? Have you got a thing for woman-hating race-baiting riot-inciting pedophiles?
“Funny, you don’t LOOK Jewish…”
Just asking the question.
Hector, in reply: LOL!!
And yes there were some people there at the Capitol that did commit crimes but there were a lot of people there who are ushered in by the capital police it had nothing to do with that riot and they got their lives ruined
Me, in reply: Glad you’re amused by my ethnic humor. Good night.
Hector, in reply: Thank you for the distraction! You have a good night also!
Me, in reply: Sorry you feel that my need to talk about the murder of a conservative spokesman was a distraction. It’s been more than a distraction to me. Good night again.
Me, continuing: Pelosi has no power over the National Guard in D.C., so what you heard is more BS. The WH waited 5 hours before deploying them. Those are the facts, according to Snopes, which most reporters, Republican & Democrat, depend on for fact-checking.
Me, concluding: I just wanted to tell you it’s too soon to jump to conclusions that investigators haven’t reached yet, but I’m rather glad you want to be by yourself tonight.
Hector, in reply: Are those two snopes things that you showed me we’re simply entertainment! And yes somebody I want to say it was a relative of hers taped her saying that she was ultimately responsible well after the fact
Me, in reply: Prove it. Play the recording for me. Snopes is NOT entertainment, they are the standard for fact-checking in English whether that suits you or not. Another camel you have swallowed, my brother! Don’t you ever get indigestion?
🐪🐪🐪
You’re believing rumors, and you’re not even asking anybody to prove them!
Hector, in reply: On both of those Snopes things you showed me at the end of the article it said there was a lot of hearsay and rumors I did highlight them and I still have them
Me, in reply: Scuttlebutt, innuendo, falsehoods and truly ridiculous things. They fit your narrative, which is why you don’t question them.
Hector, in reply: Google, was Nancy pelosi responsible for deploying the national guard which Donald Trump did ask for a couple of days in advance she was the speaker of the house and it was her responsibility I just read the article although there are conflicting articles the one I was reading was KOMO
Me, in reply: And your narrative, like it or not, is that you in particular and conservatives in general and MAGA, especially, are the victims of a vast conspiratorial underground, dark plot to do away with American values and destroy the country as you knew it. Which is the most preposterous piece of bullshit of all.
Hector, in reply: Yes that’s exactly why Joe Biden crashed the economy and wanted all the illegals in to boost his voter base Governor pritzker just admitted that
Me, in reply: If “destroying the country” means treating white people the same as Black people, brown people, yellow people or red people then yes, we are out to destroy the country. If it means giving women reproductive control over their own bodies, then yes, we are out to destroy the country. If it means replacing sources of energy you’d like cold (sic) and oil is that foul the air Was (with) inexpensive, natural sources of energy, like sunlight and wind, then yes, we are destroying the country. If it means trying to protect the populous from a deadly plague that is threatening us, then that means we are destroying the country. There are many more things we can do to destroy this country. Would you like me to list them?
No, the governor Pritzker did not come, because that’s not what happened.
And it’s totally preposterous of you to say that without giving me further proof of anything.
Hector, in reply: That’s why Governor trickster didn’t want Trump coming in to Chicago he flat said it.
Me, in reply: Of course not. The National Guard fights wars, they aren’t trained to do police work.
Hector, in reply: It’s pretty much all on the internet if you have any interest in looking it up I do have other things I need to get done tonight but thank you for the entertainment, it has made me feel better
Well the carjacking the murders and the crime has certainly gone down in DC and there’s plenty of videos thanking Donald Trump along with the mayor
Me, in reply: Trump threatened him with war. “Apocalypse now!” Why should he welcome that? Trump has taken a hostile view towards a city that is just trying to do the best it can. And I predict that sending the National Guard will only make things worse. But of course, Trump knows everything and he’s always right. So I’m sure this will work out just fine.
Chipocalypse Now.
Again, goodnight. Who will tell you jokes when they take me away?
Goodnight, Hector.
🌔
Hector, in reply: That’s a good point!! As far as the national guard goes and ice goes people who have their documentation aren’t being taken away. These people came here with no due process they go out the same. But they do need to get the crime and the murders down it’s a matter of as they say f*** around and find out!!
Good night! You did make me laugh!! And I really needed that!
Me, in reply: 70% of the residents of Alligator Alcatraz had committed no crimes. And illegal immigrants commit less crimes than natural-born citizens. Why would they? They don’t want to get deported! They want to stay, even tho’ they pay Social Security taxes & don’t get any benefits. Again, THINK, Hector! Your god gave you 3 lbs. of brains, you might want to give them some exercise occasionally.
And if you find what I’m trying to talk with you about funny, then we really have nothing more to talk about. Finally. Good night.
Hector, concluding: Of course they committed crimes they’re here illegally they came in without due process they go out without due process what part of illegal don’t you understand even the people who come here legally angry about this they had to wait they had to go to school they had to do what was required to become a citizen. Under Joe Biden these people were being put up in luxury hotels that they were destroying giving them cell phones, medical Care and on and on and on. While Medicare is going bankrupt and they ruined the housing market and the vacation market pissing and s******* in the streets not to mention the crime and the rape in the murder and where are the actual statistics that says they commit less crime than people who are citizens I hear it being said a lot but I’ve never heard a figure. Oh and furthermore I love petroleum fuel obviously nobody or should I say the general public does not want electric cars they don’t go far enough and where does the electricity come from oh well there goes your electricity bills not to mention the insurance companies wouldn’t allow you to park them in the garage because they were such a fire hazard and once again on and on and on
Me, concluding: You know what?
You don’t know when to shut up.
So I’m telling you, SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH, YOU PIECE OF WHITE TRASH.
I’m done trying to befriend you. And if I ever ask you for any favor, just laugh in my face and tell me how funny I sound.
That last, furious insult, which I could no longer withhold, just tumbled out of me, and I don’t regret it in the least — at least, not yet! But Hector WAS behaving like a piece of “white trash,” that category of low class, low-income Caucasians whose only boast to adequacy in the world, for whatever reason, is that, through no fault of their own, they think they’re better than some other, “lower, lesser,” race. What a shameful thing to have to admit!
So now I no longer visit Hector, nor wave at him when I see him sitting out on the narrow porch of his house, which he boasted that he built. I don’t ask him for rides to Publix, Walmart or Curaleaf, and when I walk Epic, I don’t go down his street anymore. You see, I know Hector has several firearms, and like to boast about how he helps women in threatening domestic violence situations select the right firearm for self-defense. I, on the other hand, own no guns. I do own a very lovely, Sheffield steel replica British WWI Commando dagger, which I purchased to use as an athamé (knife used in Wiccan rituals). But yes, I do know better than to bring a knife to a gun fight.
So there you have it, readers. If you try to reason with a person who has been indoctrinated into the MAGA cult, my experience shows that although they may be friendly to you personally, for whatever reason (I’m half Jewish, and Hector likes Jews and Israel), you must balance that with their rage at the parties they hate (in Hector’s case, Muslims, Blacks, Hispanics and unfaithful women), and live with the realization that these people can turn on a dime, and focus their hate, their rage, and their unjustifiable violence on you.
Please don’t let anything happen to you! Take precautions, carry pepper spray (a cheap, wonderful, non-lethal antipersonnel weapon), be aware of your surroundings. Don’t engage these people, MAGA, at home or on the streets. When they say they are going to war with “left-wing liberal lunatics,” I take them at their word, and you should too. I hope it doesn’t come to this, but my trust in the democratic institutions of America has been trashed by the ruthless Trump Regime and his authoritarian implementation of Plan 2025.
As the famous 1950’s early television documentarian Edward R. Murrow used to sign off, with absolutely no trace of irony, “Good night, and good luck.”
After watching the utterly humiliating spectacle of the first and second elected officials of the U.S.A. — Dumpty-Trumpty and Shady Jay-Dee, if you weren’t clear — acting like mid-level Mafia bosses putting the squeeze on some two-bit hood named Zelenskyy, the commentator Keith Olberman, who hosts the podcast Countdown, was really angry! He cursed the Deplorable Duo up one side and down the other for the pettiness, their meanness, and their fondness for mass murdering autocrats who enslave their people. And in all 28 minutes of this, toward the end, Olberman made a comment that reached out of the flat screen display and SLAPPED ME UPSIDE THE HEAD! This is it:
“Burn in Hell, Trump! I’d say the same to J.D. Vance, but I suspect he’s realized he’s already burning in Hell. HE WORKS FOR TRUMP!”
(CULINARY NOTE: Were you as puzzled as I was by the huge, obnoxious grease stain on the yellow Oval Office couch, next to Secretary of Defense Peter “Cottontail” Heggseth, in Trump’s shameful meeting with Zelenskyy on Friday? Well, scientists who analyzed the stain say that’s all that’s left of former U.S. Senator Marco Rubio (RRR-FL)! Once the least-voting resident of the Senate Chamber, who delighted in taking overseas junkets almost as much as Texas Sen. Teddy “Bare Bear” Cruz, Rubio somehow — rolling dice? Rock, paper, scissors? A tarot card reading? — got elected chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee, which is kind of funny if you think about it. Because he’s got about the intelligence of a castrated bull. Sort of an ox-y moron! When HE was running for president, Rubio, a child of Cuban boat immigrants who put their dry feet in Miami, rightly lambasted Trump on a variety of issues, among them being close to Vlad the Impaler — excuse me, same guy, wrong century! But when Herr Drumpf won the primary, Rubio was at the head of the line to kiss His Royal Heinieness’s Ass, and got the coveted Secretary of State position! But, unlike J.D Vance, Rubio had a lower melting point, and it was apparently exceeded by the heat in the Oval Office while the two Elected Bullies were trying to turn up the heat on Zelenskyy, who, WARNED IN ADVCANCE by other European leaders, had apparently donned asbestos underwear as a precautionary measure. Smart move, Volodomyr!) SLAVA UKRAINE!
AI generated image to my specs, third try. Vance looks a little too Old Testament, but aside from that I think this captures Shady’s current career ladder rather well! Problem is, on that particular ladder he’s NOT ASCENDING… and funny thing, the further down he goes, the hotter the rungs get!
Today, inspired by current events, I sat down and wrote a slightly — OK, somewhat — sarcastic letter to our 47th president, who could use a little advice about how to handle all the difficult, complex problems swirling around him, at home and abroad. Here it is! Go forth, Donny, and sin no more! Oh, BTW — your diaper needs changing! I can smell it from here.
Unloved King Shitzfurbranez,
Ye gods, you are an unholy fuckup! Even a little schmuck like me can still give you advice, so here’s a bulleted list:
Get rid of Elon! You need him, but does he need you? NO! His net income is bigger than some countries’ GDPs! He’s bought you, but how long will it be before he runs out of Special K and gets bored? My advice: Do him on a bridge, like Teddy Kennedy did it with that little bitch Mary Jo Kopechne! You can say you dove into the frigid, swirling water dozens of times trying to rescue Musky, and emerge for the news cameras a sopping wet HERO! Once again, you, Donnybrook, WIN!
Social Security, which I depend on for a meager $1,005 a month — pardon me, I had a checkered career — is headed for insolvency, and Medicare, which keeps me from dying of treatable illness and pays for my hospital stays and doctor care, appears to be on the chopping block. Oh, the government spent too much, we can’t afford to help the POOR any more! Besides, they must’ve somehow earned their poorness, because that’s where they are, right? POOR! BUT, I have come up with an amazing solution, completely unthought-of by anyone in your cabinet, Musk Ox or extended advisory council! Want to hear it? OK, and I won’t even charge you! HERE IT IS: TAX THE MOTHERFUCKING RICH! TAX THE MOTHERFUCKING RICH! TAX THE MOTHERFUCKING RICH! TAX THE MOTHERFUCKING RICH! There! Did you get that? And let me tell you why that’s GOOD economics, GOOD for America and GOOD for YOU: because if you tax the RICH, there aren’t enough of them to form a big mob, like you did on Jan. 6, 2021, pick up pitchforks and light torches, block the exits of the White House so you can’t get out, and burn it down AROUND YOU! That’s what happens, even to kings and queens, when they try to shift the tax burden from the nobles to the peasants. The peasants BURN you ALIVE!NOTE: This is not a threat, so don’t call whatever crook you have running the Secret Service. It’s merely a historical observation. But take my advice & AGAIN, YOU WIN!
Gazans have had at least 46,000 people, 2/3 of them (30,360) women and children, killed in the recent Israeli-committed genocide. I know you don’t give shit about them, but that was state-sponsored payback for the horrifying Oct. 7, 2023 HAMAS attacks where about 1,200 Israelis were killed. Now, you say you, or we, or somebody, is going to OWN GAZA and develop it into beautiful beachfront property, like Siesta Key, Sarasota, FL, where I used to live. But NOBODY ASKED THE PALESTINIANS! Because they’re poor, and poor people don’t vote, not for you, unless they’re white and dumb! I know the Navajo (Nation) pretty well, and they were relocated by the 7th Cavalry around 1862. They tried to scrape a living out of the sorry piece of sand they were forced to live on for 3 years, then gave up and WALKED 300 MILES back to their FORMER home! So I don’t think the Gazans, who have been living in PALESTINE for centuries, if not millennia, are going to leave that easily. My solution? Most Israelis are ASHKENAZI JEWS, which means their ancestry is European! WOULDN’T IT BE EASIER TO SEND THEM BACK TO EUROPE, GIVE GAZA BACK TO THE PALESTINIANS, and shake your buddy Netanyahu’s hand as he gets on the last train out of Jerusalem? Problem solved, and again, YOU WIN, DONNY! And don’t say I’m anti-Semitic, my dad was a Jew, served with the U.S. Army Signal Corps in WW2, and was a fine man. I loved him dearly. (My mother also served, as a nurse in the Royal Air Force, but with her, not so much.) Don’t worry, I’m approaching the end! •What I said about the Navajo loving their land also applies to Ukrainians. They like their own land just fine. And if that Jewish Fascist Zelenskyy started the war, did the Russian tank commanders have compasses? I ask, because all the Russian tanks I saw (you can tell, they had Russian flags on them) WERE HEADING WEST! I know that Putin is a fellow oligarch-cum-dictator, but just drop a small nuclear weapon, say 1 KT, on the Kremlin while he’s in it! Never mind the fallout, it’s just collateral damage, after all, you will have the heartfelt thanks and prayers of every Russian (I have friends there)! And the Ukrainians can go back to what they enjoy, being servile slaves of that horrible despot Zelenskyy! AGAIN YOU WIN!
The economy still sucks, worse than under Biden! That egg for your McMuffin cost $1! FORGET IT, YOU LOSE, KING SHITZFURBRANEZ! LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, you know who will inherit your throne? Not your children, but a man named ELON! LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOSER, LOERLOSERLOSERLOSER!
Most sincerely yours, Malcolm J. Brenner
P.S. — Just one question, Donald (you never did like that name, did you? What a shit your father was, to name you that!): I had to fill out a long and rather complex form to be able to send this email to the White House, and answer some personal questions to do so. BUT WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW MY BLOOD TYPE? It is, for the record, B negative, which I am. Only towards you!
But what, Donnie, can I do? IT’S IN MY BLOOD! — MJB
(Image generated by AI. All you graphic artists out there, from the bottom of my flinty, cheap little heart, I apologize! This time, AI did what I asked, and I don’t have any money to pay you, anyway. And if I offered you my daughter’s hand in marriage, her husband might object, although that’s not a sure thing, they live in San Francisco, after all. So there!)
Yeah, you’ve seen this photo before! And you’ll probably see it again, before I get done with it, and #45!
Unless you read Russian, and are familiar with the current generation of samizdat — underground home publishing by officially unacknowledged writers — you probably aren’t aware that my novel of non-human intelligence, WET GODDESS: Recollections of a Dolphin Lover, is published in Russian! Here I am, celebrating the official publication in 2015, with my good friend Stoli Ch’naya, who used to be Russian but wisely moved his operations to Lithuania several years before Putin thought to put the bite on him:
This publication — little noted in the Russian press, by design — was actually initiated by the translator himself, who contacted me in 2014 to let me know that he had spent a year painstakingly translating Wet Goddess so his close friends and family could enjoy it as much as he had, and oh, by the way, did I mind?
Yes, he was asking my permission for a deed he’d already done!
Of course, being an ardent capitalist (at least when I have no money), my mind immediately turned to how I, and maybe even he, could turn a profit on the book, and, by the way, spread my radical ideas about dolphin personhood to a new continent and the largest country in the world (as of this writing)!
You may notice that I am not including a photo of my Russian translator here, or mentioning him by name, nor identifying the Russian city or oblast (state) where he lives. The reason for this is the meat-grinder of Putin’s insane war with Ukraine, which is currently turning Russian youth into sausages, with body-bag casings. Although my translator was working as a salesman in a failing retail store when he contacted me, he has, by dint of thrift (and Soviet-style subsidized rental housing, which costs about 1/10th of what it would here), slowly improved his photo and video gear to the point where he’s been operating for a couple of years and as independent cameraman/director/editor for his own and others’ productions! This guy is a typical Republican “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” self-made man, but he managed to do it in the Middle of Bumfok, Nowhere, Russia, without any help from what now passes for the GOP!
Not only that, the dude’s insanely handsome, like a Bolshevik version of Brad Pitt, but with that crazy madness in his eyes that we’ve come to expect from every Russian villain, from Dr. Zarkov in Flash Gordon to Viggo Tarasov in John Wick! When I pointed this out to him, he just replied “Yes, that’s what my mother says, too, but I thought she might be biased.”
This guy is utterly clueless!
I think I’ve said all I have to say, while keeping him safe from the clutches of the FSB! Here, without further ado, is my letter describing the confusing political events of July, 2024, the month and year when A NEW HOPE SHONE FORTH…
July 28-29, 2024 Dear XXXXX,
I know I haven’t given you enough time to respond since my last email, but current events have overtaken me, and the U.S.A. in general! Since I don’t know what or how RU TV covers U.S. news, I suspect you may have heard some rumors, or half-truths, or convenient untruths, about what is actually going on over here.
Because things are a bit topsy-turvy right now, let me try to summarize for your benefit, and that of all your fellow Russians, petit-bourgeois commoners, surfs, kulaks and nobles alike, the often confusing, sometimes confounding U.S. political events of the past month in chronological order, presented on a handy, bulleted (no pun intended) list for clarity, and because everybody else does it:
June 27, one month + one day ago: Ex-President Trump mops the studio floor with President Joe Biden in their first, and it turns out last, debate. Never mind that Trump lied hundreds of times during that 2 hours — the “firehose of falsehoods” you’ve referred to previously — Biden looked weak, and frail, and old. Not good optics! And of course no fact-checking by the moderators, which Trump wouldn’t tolerate. Worst thing Biden got out was “I’ve never heard such malarky in my life (Irish roots showing)!” I saw Biden debate Trump 4 years ago, and he was great. It’s sad to see what’s happened to him, but Grandfather Time catches up with everyone, even us Boomers!
End of June/Beginning of July: The Left falls into general slump, realizes Biden hasn’t got what it takes any more. Influential Democrats like George Clooney, the famous American actor (he was in a bad remake of Stanislaw Lem’s Solaris in 2002, but I like Andrei Tarkovsky’s twisted vision better, he didn’t try to film a love story, but he left in those endless cheap special effects shots driving around Tokyo’s Ginza District on wet streets at night) start asking Biden to step down and let someone else lead the anti-Trump charge. Gee, who could it be? I wonder… the U.S.A.’s first Black/Asian female VP, Kamala Harris, former California senator, former federal prosecutor for the district of San Francisco?… NAH! What are you smoking, comrade? July 13, Saturday: Trump’s dog-and-pony show sets up its tents in the Rust Belt town of Butler, PA, about 40 miles north of Pittsburgh, which used to be the thriving center of the U.S. steel industry in the 20th Century. It’s solid-red Trump Country! Unbeknownst to the Trump security team, the local police or county sheriff, or even the Secret Service or his own family, a mentally disturbed white, Republican 20-year-old named Thomas Matthew Crooks, whose gun-nut father is a rabid Trump supporter, asks borrow his dad’s AR-15 style people-hunting rifle, so he can get some time in at the local gun range. Crooks’ dad jokes that his son needs the practice! (NOTE: Crooks’ high school gun club threw him out because he couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn, and was a danger on the firing range to himself and others! This kid was no Lee Harvey Oswald, a trained USMC sniper, by any means!) Later That Same Day: Crooks buys 50 rounds of ammo at a local gun shop, picks up a digital laser rangefinder and a short step ladder at Home Depot, and drives 40 miles to the Butler Farm Show, a seasonal event at which Trump is blathering. While Trump recalls his boyhood friendship with fictional cannibal Hannibal Lecter, Crooks wanders around, measuring, sighting, and planning his shots. Supposedly the Secret Service knew about the danger he posed 18 minutes before the attempted assassination, as people saw Crooks up on the roof of the building that law enforcement was using as a headquarters! Crooks has plenty of time to crawl over the roof. A local sheriff’s deputy follows him up the ladder, but when Crooks points his long gun at the deputy, he falls off! Moments later, and while being intently observed by not 1 but 2 Secret Service sharpshooters, Crooks opens fire. 6:11 p.m.: Making a point, Donald Trump turns his head slightly and a .223 high velocity round flies through his right ear, missing a cranial shot by about 2 cm. Crooks gets off several more rounds, blasting a Teleprompter to fragments, seriously injuring two bystanders and killing a third. The SS sharpshooters put five .50 caliber rounds into young Master Crooks, ending his brief reign of terror, the Secret Service agents mob Trump, who instructs them on a hot mic to put his shoes back on (???) and doesn’t forget to pump his fist in the air, a dramatic salute to his followers, as he’s hustled out of the arena, blood trickling down his face. Immediately Afterward: The Republican Echo Chamber begins turning out nonsense about the shooting, and there’s no official word from either Trump’s campaign staff or the hospital where he was treated, other than to say he’s “doing well.” Rumors don’t just fly, they teleport! And when it’s finally realized that Crooks WAS a Trump supporter, and his family donated to Trump’s campaign, the Right is utterly gobsmacked! They were all prepared to blame President Biden, for threatening Trump by making him sound like a mean old Nazi, which Biden did by the simple expedient of quoting some of Trump’s statements recorded at his private, unscripted events! Here, Trump praises Fearless Leader, Little Rocket Man, Adolf Hitler, Stalin, and Nikolay Denkov, among other despots, for their firm grip on power. His fans eat it up. July 15-18: Republican Convention in Milwaukee, WI, a city which Trump has previously declared he hates, and is the capital of American beer-brewing. Trump is apotheosized and given burnt offerings and songs of glad adulation, along with people beseeching him to rescue them and their semiautomatic weapons from the Horrible Socialist Left, as only he can! July 18: On the last day of convention, Trump announces his eagerly-anticipated choice for VP! It’s J. D. Vance, a freshman senator from Ohio who was famous 10 years ago for writing a briefly bestselling book about how lousy his youth was titled Hillbilly Elegy. Almost immediately, videos of Vance making anti-Trump statements a few years ago start circulating. If you want to know what Pretzel Logic is, it’s politics! July 21, Sunday: Former Democratic Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, finally convinces President Joe Biden to depart the campaign, for the good of the country and the preservation of our democratic republic! Reluctantly, Biden agrees and appoints Kamala Harris to replace him on the ticket! She eagerly accepts, and starts fundraising immediately! 24 Hours Later: Harris has raised over $100,000,000, and set a new one-day record for U.S. political fundraising! July 22, Monday, A Slow News Day: When the news about Harris’s campaign gets out, Republicans suffer coronary arrest! Trump demands somebody repay him for all the money he’s invested in planning Sleepy Joe’s defeat, because Harris leaves him with no arguments except that she’s Black, she’s Asian and she’s got a vagina! (Which I think everybody was willing to accept on expert opinion.)
LATE MONDAY, 7-29: I put in 4 hours researching and writing this compilation, intending to complete it earlier, but I really felt like crap all day. Current events confound everything; for instance, where’s the supposed bullet hole in Trump’s right ear? And where are his medical records from the hospital ER, where he was treated? The FBI, among others, would like to hear it from Trump’s lips, and he’s finally acceded to their request. Also, the local sheriff’s office SWAT team was never briefed, never contacted, by the Secret Service until after the assignation attempt! Stay tuned to National Public Radio (NPR) for the best reporting originating in the USA. It reflects pretty well not only the news, but how it’s affecting ordinary people over here. Be well, stay low, wear camo and carry spare ammo! That’s the best advice I can give you right now, XXXXX, the rest is up to Lady Luck! — Malcolm
I woke from a nap last Saturday, just in time to witness on live TV the attempted assassination of ex-President Trump. It was quite a surreal situation, I assure you; I’d laid my head on a pillow on the couch for just a moment, and it seemed like no time had passed. I sort of lap-dissolved from the national evening news into coverage of The Donald’s election rally in Butler, Pennsylvania, and became, as they say, another witness to the latest chapter in America’s dark, violent and bloody modern politics, the politics of hate, of polarization, the politics of the AR-15 and the bump stock.
Do you know what the wonderful thing about hate is? It is utterly indiscriminate! As an emotion, a state of self-perpetuating rage and battle-response stress, hate doesn’t care about any reasons who or what is hated, it’s much too primal for such refined cogitation. Any reasons it could come up with would only be thin masks, barely concealing the need to inflict hurt on others. Because hate only acknowledges its own existence, its own pain, its own wounds, and uses them to justify lashing out at the perceived person or object hated, or, as psychologists call it, the other.
Hence, we get news stories of rednecks attacking Sikhs, not because Sikhs are evil or have done the rednecks any harm, but since adult male Sikhs all wear turbans, grow full, luxurious beards and appear prosperous (the ones I’ve seen, anyhow), they fit the rednecks’ preconceived image of “your stereotypical A-rab oil sheik” and as such become the target for discrimination, harassment, assault and worse. Mind you, the rednecks wouldn’t know a real sheik if they tripped over him; many sheiks wear Western business suits when visiting our side of the world. Besides, I hear relations between the Muslims and Sikhs aren’t exactly what one would call amorous, and haven’t been much that way for the past, oh, I don’t know, 525 years?
Would-be Trump assassin Thomas Mattew Crooks, it now turns out, had images of both Trump and Biden on his cell phone, along with schedules of the Republican and Democratic Conventions. Crooks targeted both, but Trump’s convention came first, and was thus the earliest opportunity to do something totally random, totally chaotic, and thoroughly evil. It’s obvious Crooks didn’t care who he killed, finding one victim as good as another! He therefore had no impetus, no narrative, and no motive, except the brooding rage of one incessantly bullied, access to his father’s semiautomatic people-hunting rifle, enough cash to buy 50 rounds of ammo, and the immanent, irresistible presence in his world of an important, accessible target, like the smell of bacon attracting a hungry dog.
The FBI and other law enforcement agencies are having a hard time assigning a motive to Crooks’ murderous actions, and no wonder! His only motive was the opportunity to kill someone famous, it didn’t matter who! This kind of randomness, where the flip of a coin may decide whether you live or die, doesn’t care which side you’re on, what uniform you’re wearing, what color your skin is or what language you speak. Like the Xenomorph in the Alien movie franchise, Crooks killed because he could. His attempt to murder Trump made about as much sense as nobody John Hinkley trying to kill President Ronald Reagan to impress actress Jodie Foster: NONE WHATSOEVER!
Is this assassination attempt, such a meaningless gesture, a signal that the era of extremism in politics is over? If it no longer makes any difference to a would-be assassin what you as a victim believe, or do, or plan, why bother holding extremist viewpoints? Now, both sides of the Congressional aisle can feel equally threatened!
When it no longer matters who you kill, liberal or conservative, Republican or Democrat, you have truly become a psychopath.
***
NO ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE (A.I.) WAS USED IN THE COMPOSITION OF THIS ESSAY. AS A WRITER, I REJECT A.I. IT’S MORE PRONE TO HALLUCINATIONS THAN I AM! I MUCH PREFER THE APP NATURAL STUPIDITY. YOU CAN DOWNLOAD IT AT… OH HELL, JUST GO FIND IT YOURSELF!
You know what an Odd-servation is, don’t you? It’s something you see that doesn’t quite fit in the general pattern of events. Something that is a quarter-wavelength out of sync with everything else, an inconvenient fact, a truth that you’d rather ignore but it keeps jumping out of the general blur of The Matrix and startling you, like the Woman in the Red Dress that Mouse programmed.
Herewith, some of the Odd-servations I’ve encountered in the last 15 years, with, where appropriate, commentary as to what the photo means, and how I came to take it.
The End of the Trail
“The End of the Trail” is, of course, the title of fin de 19th siecle American artist James Earle Fraser’s testament to the cultural decline of Native Americans and their ultimate defeat at the hands of the bilagaana (Navajo, white person) or washichu (Lakota, greedy one) invaders. I took this picture with my cell phone while walking the dog one afternoon. I think it expresses my feelings rather well, so I present it here without comment, except that my daughter asked why I didn’t want to put a footprint on it.
Nightmare in Pink
One afternoon late last year, while I was waiting to get my shingles vaccine, she showed up at the drug store dressed like this. I wonder if she knows what she looks like?
Let’s be clear:
• This is not about RACE. My comments would apply no matter what race the clothes horse, above, was.
• This is not about FASHION. That quality is notably lacking in the subject’s mode of dress. The clothing has apparently not been selected for its effect on others, or to make a positive statement about the wearer. It is, in fact, anti-fashion.
• Nor is it about BEAUTY, a subjective evaluation based general norms and seasonal shifts. Beauty is, apparently, the last thing this clothes horse worried about!
• Nor is it about GENDER, because the subject would be just as unappealing if she were a he!
• THIS IS ABOUT CLASS, AND NOT HAVING ANY! Not social class, like what rules the UK, but class that speaks of self-respect, that indicates pride in one’s identity and delineates one’s place is society. No, I don’t wear a necktie any more, but here in Florida, I assure you the damn things are totally optional for any meeting more formal than a casual drink, especially in the summer, when the poor location reporters on local TV have to wear a jacket, slacks and tie on camera and make it look good, in 90ºF (32ºC) heat and relative humidities above 70%, which is just killer. I mean, a T-shirt gets soaked in 5 minutes in conditions like that! Get some self-respect, Clothes Horse, and show some STYLE!
Stop Signs 1 and 2
(1 L) This is the stop sign at the corner of Easy, which is the street that my house sits on, and Key, which intersects it. It’s a quiet neighborhood, except for the fact that the Charlotte County Fire Department is only about a half-mile due west, and Easy Street is used by every ambulance heading for the nearby hospital complex a half-mile north. So we have sirens going off frequently, and ambulances speeding down the street, lights flashing, all the time. A nice, quiet, neighborhood, like I said. And that avian, perched on top, is a mockingbird, if you were wondering. A nice, quiet, songbird. Yeah, right!
(2 R) Stop signs, like all modern road signs, have a reflective coating based on the 3M Scotchlite patent, a material which reflects light back to its source no matter what angle the screen is at. That made front projection of movies, and specifically the “Dawn of Man” sequence that opens Stanley Kubrick’s 1968 movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, possible.
It also means that stop signs light up according to what light is projected on them, an effect most visible at twilight. I took one flash shot of this sign and half-a-dozen by available light, no flash. The landscape was drab and the sunset looked washed-out. I went with the flash shot, and have never looked back. About a month ago, corner of Key and Westlund, one block east of my house.
The World’s Longest Shot
“It’s shot from guns!” — Old TV ad for Quaker Puffed Wheat & Puffed Rice
Even as a little kid, it always struck me as odd and ironic that a breakfast cereal with a Quaker — a Protestant sect known for actively practicing peace — for an icon advertised itself as being “shot from guns,” a slight prevarication about the exact process used to produce the fluffy texture of their grain products. So what?
Little did I suspect, in my youthful naïveté, that I would later in life actually meet someone who fulfilled the very fate of that doomed grain, over and over again!
HE LET HIMSELF BE SHOT FROM A FUCKING CANNON! OVER A BUNCH OF CARS, INTO A NET! THE LONGEST SUCH SHOT ON RECORD AT THE TIME, AND WHAT’S MORE, HIS WIFE AIMED AND FIRED THE CANNON!
In such a roles-reversal relationship, the husband needs to feel secure that his hubby doesn’t harbor any hidden resentments against him, no?
Well, this photo shows the first big assignment I got for Harbor Style magazine, the first one that took me out of town. All the way to the Desoto Super Speedway, outside Bradenton in Manatee County! The human cannonball was David Smith Jr., a short, unassuming guy you’d never figure for such an oddball job, but it runs in his family: his father did it too.
Here, Smith Jr. is shown in a fundraising stunt put on by a local auto dealership, firing himself over 18 new cars and trucks, a record no other human cannonball had ever logged before. For every second Smith stayed in the air, the dealership would drop $1,000 on new cars that month, December 2007. Big deal! Bigger deal: the cannon was also the starting gun for the Florida 400 Sprint auto race! Zoom zoom!
I had no doubt I could light the photo, as I had several powerful strobes that could have optical slaves attached, basically a photocell with electronics that make it sensitive only to short pulses of light, like an electronic flash produces. I set up two on light stands at a 45º angle to the net, a powerful Vivitar 635 handle-mount flash (colloquially referred to as a “potato masher” for its design) and a smaller but almost as powerful Vivitar 238 shoe mounted unit. A third unit was attached to the camera’s hot flash shoe, so it would fire as the camera was tripped and trip the other two units with its flash.
But… to catch the action, I put the camera in motor drive, which didn’t give the flashes time to recharge between shots! Oh no! I knew I might get a couple of dark frames… but what I never expected were the flash pots! They lit up one frame a thousand times brighter than my pathetic strobe units, and my camera’s shutter speed of 1/125 of a second and manually-set aperture of f4 turned out to be exactly the right exposure for my Fuji S2 Pro’s CCD sensor.
After I filed the shot with Harbor Style, I figured it might have some national or international appeal, so I spent several hours trying unsuccessfully to sell it to international press and news organizations. Nobody bit, but HS did pay for my travel.
Hey, it isn’t ever day you get to shoot a guy getting shot out of a cannon, is it? Isn’t that like being an anti-missile missile?
Malcolm’s Psychedelic Breakfast
Herewith, a photo of waffles, taken when I still had my Canon 30D digital camera in 2015. The 30D was only 8 megapixels, though, and old, and the thought of shooting with only the resolution of a half-frame 35mm was not encouraging.
No, these waffles were not psychedelic, although they were gluten-free, canned peach-enhanced and doused with genuine American Vermont maple syrup, by gum! You can’t eat that wonderful stuff in Russia or China, hell no!
And the morning light on them, shining in the eastern kitchen window, was beautiful, severe and dramatic. The subject had the prerequisite backlight, so necessary for food — note the translucency of the peach halves! I didn’t have to do a thing, so I took a picture.
An Odd-servation? Yes, because it picks out the food item and celebrates it, celebrates the peaches, the butter, the maple syrup, the indecisive quality of the waffles, a food item that thinks it might be the sole of a waffle-stomper, if only it weren’t so damn digestible!
And there you go. This is my own personal Odd-servation, and every time I look at it, delicious tastes and smells come back to me. Isn’t that why we take pictures, to freeze time?
Malcolm J. Brenner 